Reviewing my Wishes from last birthday and adding some new ones….

I wish for health for my whole family and that I don’t have to pack another bag for a hospital stay with Zackie.

The first and most important wish that I had last year has not come true. Or has it? Zack had a wonderful year of amazing development and even learned to walk. He was stronger than the year before and continued to amaze us. My wish for no more hospital stays has now come true….I even packed my last bag for a hospital stay with Zack…and I didn’t bring him home. Now, I would give anything to pack up again, stay in a crappy bed with beeping machines all night, if it meant more time with him.

I wish for sleep.

I AM actually sleeping these days…often with Jayden or Ty, but I am sleeping. Most nights I still wake up in the night, hoping to hear those cries that led to time rocking my sweet Zack back to sleep in the rocking chair.

I wish for Ty to stop sucking his thumb and continue to love to read.

Ty is working on the thumb and still loves to read.

I wish for all days to be like Paris…for Paul to keep asking me out on dates, kiss me in the kitchen and send me sweet messages when he thinks of me.

I still wish for these times, but now my wish is simpler. I hope that while we are both grieving in different ways, that we continue to find comfort in each other’s arms.

I hope that I will have time to blog about all that I have been waiting to say (and find a way to make money at it!).

Blogging and writing down all that has happened in the last month and a half has allowed me to have a voice when I couldn’t speak, find a way to get emotions and memories recorded forever, and enabled me to share our journey and inspire others. The “making money” part is coming true as we hit 59% of our Zack’s Dream Room goal!!

I wish that my wonderful parents enjoy their dream home at the lake when they retire this spring…they deserve it.

They continue to enjoy their dream home and created a dream “suite” for our family, mainly because of Zackie and his needs (and horrible sleep patterns). We did get one night’s sleep in this amazingly gorgeous suite (designed and built by my dad) on November 27th, the night Zack walked. In the morning, when I got him out of the pack and play, I put him down on the new flooring and hoped that he would remember what he had done the night before….he sure did…and walked from room to room!

I wish that my best girlfriends know how much I love and appreciate them for listening, checking up on me, making me laugh, letting me vent, watching my sons or forgiving me for not calling them back right away. You all make my days so much brighter.

This year, I don’t know the words to say THANK YOU to my family, best friends, acquaintances and even strangers for their support. From Elmos on Twitter to donations for our fundraisers, warm meals to warm hugs, thoughtful cards to baking cookies….I have been carried through the last few months with the support from amazing women.

I wish for more family time together and that taking a family trip was less complicated.

The only thing I wish for is more family time for the 5 of us. While the four of us are together as much as we can, doing some amazing things, it never feels quite ‘right’. The exact thing that I wished for is coming this weekend when we all go to Great Wolf Lodge thanks to some amazing people for providing and planning for us. No meds to pack, no long drives to worry about with Zack or wondering how he will respond to the water park. We are looking forward to this time together….but travelling as a family of 4 will take a lot of getting used to.

I wish that I start to care less about the mess and learn that “the more mess, the more fun you had!” (courtesy of Ty’s teacher last year in Kindergarten!).

I’m happy to report that my “Martha Stewartness” has eased up over the last year. I love a crazy messy play room (as long as it’s back together by the time I go to bed).

I wish I could lose the bags and dark circles under my eyes, lose weight and get healthier for me, Paul and my boys.

Same wish this year.

I wish for my mom to always know that I couldn’t do this without her.

I miss my mom. She and my Dad arrived home from the Dominican Republic the night after Zack went into cardiac arrest. They were trying to get home earlier but ended up missing the worst day at SickKids- beginning of the end. I was desperate to have my parents around. When they arrived, we had a reprise, Zack seemed to be hanging on and we all had hope. I am absolutely sure, he did not die so that they could be there for him and for me. As the days went on, my mom got sick and just after Zack died, she was hospitalized for what seemed to be an infection from the island. On a day pass for the funeral, my horribly sick mom came and spent that day with us. I could not have gone through that day without her. When she got back to Mount Sinai, they realized her appendix had burst…unrelated to the trip at all! A few more days, and we could have lost her. A month later, she is still at home with a drainage tube, waiting for surgery. My wish is for her to know that this is just the way it has been- no blame, no guilt…I will need her for a long time and I’ll wait until she is stronger to lean on her.

I wish that I could let Paul do more to help without having to do it “my way”.

I love that Paul does more laundry than I do…he might fold it “wrong”, but I don’t say so anymore 🙂

I wish that As the World Turns was not going off the air (I need a new soap to pvr…any suggestions?).

Not interested in soaps…my days are busy. But I am happy to escape watching Grey’s, Private Practice, Glee and The Good Wife!

I wish for the start of a “mmmmm” sound from Zackie…that will lead to him calling me “mommy”. If that is all he ever says, it will be enough.

My beautiful Zackie said “amumum” last summer. With tears in my eyes, I heard it for the first time. Each time after that I would hear “amama” when I think he was looking for me. It was the sweetest sound in the world…just for me.

I wish that I can learn how to play Pokemon.

I know TONS of Pokemon and can impress Ty during his quizzes to test both his Daddy and me!

I wish for strength, patience, a sense of humour, courage and resilience to continue to be the best mommy I can be.

I need this more than ever this year. I have two more boys who need “supermommy” and the best that I can give. I find strength every day to give that to them…they deserve it as much as Zack did.

I wish that we find a wonderful preschool for Jayden and that he only throws up for a week during the transition.

No barf, some tears, a wonderful school. Jayden made us so proud with the way he started school and continues to bring his teachers the joy he brings to us.

I wish for more mani/pedis.

I have amazing friends, Candace, Jill, Kathryn, Alex and Smita that ensure that this happens.

I wish for my dad to continue to be cancer-free.

YES!!!

I wish for days of making memories at the lake with my family; boat rides to get ice cream, sports on the grass, nature hikes, canoe rides and fishing on the dock.

What a summer of all of the above. Loving the boat the most was Zackie! While Ty is the world’s best fisherman, Zack loved the bucket of water with the dancing fish!

I wish that I could have more showers alone (or with Paul :-))

Still wishing….

I wish to get more involved in the special needs community, continue to be inspired by other moms and finish the newsletter I started a year ago.

Last year was a year of telling our story, reaching out to other families like ours at CTN, speaking on behalf of SickKids and writing for other blogs supporting the Special Needs Community (BLOOM at Bloorview). Our story and our work is not done. I am still a mother of a special needs child and now with Zack with me, we are going to build a room for other children and parents at York Central, write our SickKids story in The Toronto Star and do everything we can to give back to “our” community.

I wish to walk with Zack on one hand and Jayden on the other- anywhere…

YES! Fully enjoyed by this proud mommy!!! With tears in my eyes, I never took these moments for granted.

I wish that Ty never stops choosing me to snuggle with at night.

This is still true….and now Jayden has become my biggest snuggler. In fact, he loves to lie on my bare stomach…could he feel closer to both me and Zack in that spot???

I wish to wear stillettos and know what footwear is in style again.

Yeah, still working on this. I’ve been wearing a few hot shoes, but I really loved my cool over-the-knee boots from Erin!!!

I wish to learn to like green tea and drink more water.

Nope…not yet. But my new Zack’s Dream water bottle from Kathy and Kim Originals in helping me drink more water.

I wish that tanning wasn’t so harmful for you.

Still harmful.

I wish for my talented sister to know how proud I am of her for being a strong business woman, for balancing work and home and for offering to kick the ass of anyone who ever bothered me.

My sister has not only continued to impress me in her talents as the Top Buyer at The Bay (women’s footwear), but has been the most incredible support. She cared for me at the hospital during the last days of Zack’s life, kept my mom and dad up to date while they were trying to come home from the D.R. and then cared for my mom when I didn’t have the strength to go to another hospital to sit with her. She is an amazing and caring woman and sister…I’m so blessed to have her.

I wish the women on Zack’s Dream Team knew how much we appreciate all that they do for our family and how much their support and cheerleading has helped us get where we are.

They knew, they know and they continue to be inspired by the impact that Zack had on their lives. Seeing them at the visitation only confirmed that my incredible son has left memories on their hearts forever. These woman changed my life, changed Zack’s life and allowed his 3 years to be the best they could be. I’m eternally grateful for Sue, Penny, Sarah, Nicola, Jana, Erin, Dorothy, Jordana, Krista, Shawna, Kerri-Lee and Wanda.

I wish that my fabulous sweet neighbours know how much they help me be a better mom when they offer to push one of the boys on the swing, help a bike up the hill, loan me the car that Zackie loves for the sidewalk or pour me a glass of chardonnay after a crazy day!

These are the women who helped me put Froot Loops into the bags to hand out at Zack’s funeral. These are the women who held me and let me cry. These are the women who cried with me. These are the women whose children drew pictures for the boys. These are the women who had to tell their kids that their precious friend, Zack had died. These are amazing neighbours, mothers and friends.

I wish to learn sign language.

Wonderful class taken with Zack’s teacher and our beautiful friend, Jana of My Smart Hands…I would recommend this course to communicate and have fun with your typical or special needs child! Zack and I loved this!

I wish that adoption was easier.

Still wishing.

I wish for Paul to live his dreams, find his inspiration and know how much he is a amazing man.

I’m so happy that Paul has found the job of his dreams at BMO. Surrounded by amazing collegues and doing what he loves…its wonderful to see him appreciated and happy at work. He still has some dreams on his list…that I’ll help him accomplish when he is ready.

I wish that my kitchen looked a bit less like a pharmacy or medical equipment store and more like a place where a mommy cooked.

The GTube is packed away, the baby food jars are gone and the syringes are hidden away in the cupboard. I miss being a “nurse” to Zack and caring for him in this way. I hope that he is being cared for in heaven.

I wish for as many years as possible to be a mother and wife.

I didn’t get more years with Zack to be his mother…the mother and woman I was meant to be…but I’m still the mother of 3 boys. I will continue to love being a wife and mother….always.