A lesson in dealing with cruel kids

The call from the school had me seeing red. As Jayden’s teacher recounted the story of what had happened on the school yard, all I wanted to do was to run to him, throw my arms around him, and protect him from such cruelness. How could this little classmate be so mean?  Given the way he has already been struggling with his feelings of grief…how much more could my sweet boy take?

As the kids went out for recess, a young classmate said;

Are you kidding me? Jayden had lost a 3 year old brother and was already worried about his own mortality in a way that very few people can understand.  So why would she choose THIS to say to him? There are very few things that could actually be as cruel to say to a young bereaved boy. Actually, I think this would be mean for ANY kid to hear. I’ve tried to remove our particular situation from the equation. Would any parent be as upset as me?  Wouldn’t any child feel upset and sad that someone said this to them? I think the answer is yes. This was a cruel and very usual comment that would hurt any child, not just one still grieving.

We talked about the incident after school. I told him how sorry I was that someone had hurt his feelings like this and that he needed to let the grown ups handle this situation for him.  We discussed that it makes no sense when kids just say mean things like this and that we know that it is not true. He knew that the “mean girl” had been spoken to by the teacher and that the principal was now involved, but she still had never apologized to him directly. How could I help him work through these feelings, share his worries with me and help her understand how mean her comment was and feel listened to?  I did know that when I write on my blog about my own feelings, I always feel better, having worked through the emotions, so we decided to write his classmate a letter telling her exactly how those words had made him feel….

“My brother already died, so I don’t want that to happen to me.” Gulp.  There it was. This was not only a mean thing to say, but it had also scared my emotionally fragile little boy. Did this girl know about Zack?  Was he targeted because of it or was this random? I hope to learn more in the following days. For almost 4 years, we have been comforting our sweet kid by telling him about how long he will live and that while Zack had some medical issue since birth, he was born healthy and will live a very long life.  In one fell swoop, this young girl took that reassurance away.

I loved that Jayden shared his feelings and wanted this young girl to know the power of her words. I have no idea what will happen next. Will she write an apology back?  Will her parents reach out? I hope that this letter helps her learn to be kind in her words to friends, I only wish it wasn’t MY kid that had to teach her this lesson.