I’ve been taking a bit of a blogging break to focus on looking for my next career move….but I just can’t stay quiet in light of the horrific events of the last 2 weeks. As a grieving mother, under totally different circumstances, I have been emotional about the loss of these sweet children. Children who will never be in their mother’s arms again. Never celebrate another birthday. Never be there on Christmas morning.
First, we were shocked to hear that in our own “safe” city, two young people were shot and killed at a community BBQ. My heart still aches for the mothers of those two victims; one who must have been the pride of his family and another just starting out in her life. Those mothers will never hold their children, never attend their weddings, never see their grandchildren.
I couldn’t help but think about the imposing gangs and the frightening environment that is now left in the wake of this shooting. A mother’s natural instinct is to protect their child at all cost, but I suppose in certain situations, this might be out of their control. I can only imagine that the parents in this community will now live in fear, everyday- not only because of what has happened, but also because of the laissez-faire attitude of the city’s mayor. After mall shootings, BBQ party shootings and two other recent gun incidents- Mayor Ford actually said; the recent high-profile shootings were “a couple of isolated and unfortunate incidents.” I’m so glad that my sister-in-law (a single mother), did all that she had to do to move my nieces and nephews out of Scarborough before they were teens. In that brave and self-sacrificing move, she just may have saved her family- the mother-protector doing her best. Other families, other moms, just don’t have the resources to move and they may have nowhere else to turn. My heart is with all of those families- whether they are victims of the actual shooting or must now live in daily fear.
While, I was please to see a lot of local media about this shooting in Scarborough, I wonder that with the latest tragic events in Aurora, we might again be led to believe that the real issue is in our neighbour to the south.
I’ve been watching and reading the posts about the latest news and concerned by some of the conversations and encouraged by others. My concern, as a mother who has lost her child, is that some of the first words out of the “mom blogger” community were about why the young child was at the movies in the first place? I’ve even read an article discussing this fact. The entire premise of the article was to condemn the parents for bringing young children to a violent film in the first place. While this author feels “empathy” for the family, it is followed by a BUT…”but why were they at the movie in the first place”, “but why would they bring a child to a violent film”.
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the shooter, gun control and maybe consoling the families, instead?
Could we not give these parents a break, from what is their personal hell? Don’t you think they will live with these regrets for the rest of their lives?
Could we not, for one second, live in their shoes and IMAGINE the guilt they must be feeling?
I’m so sad that some moms have chosen to ask the question “why was the child at the movie in the first place”? Would we ask a victim of sexual assault, what she was wearing? I see no difference in the inappropriateness of the judgement.
I was really shocked and disappointed that the moms that I know and respect wouldn’t be finding any and all ways possible to reach out to this grieving mother- just like they did me. The loss of a child is an unimaginable thing- NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
Please show your compassion, without the judgement.
***If you need some great advice on talking about tragedy with your children- I love these simple and great tips.
Candace
July 21, 2012 at 2:40 am (12 years ago)Amen sister. I have no problem with rational discussion, but bringing this particular subject up now was for no other reason than page views. It’s disgusting.
Trina
July 21, 2012 at 2:52 am (12 years ago)I completely agree with you. As parents we all have a choice on how we raise our children. I know that on New Year’s Eve several years ago, my husband and 8 year old son went to the midnight screening of Lord of the Rings.
Some may say that he was putting our child in danger because New Year’s is no time to have your child out on the roads. However, it was our choice and his excitement.
Kudos to you for speaking up about this. We all have a right to make our parental choices.
Focus our love and energy on the families who lost loved ones today.
Mara
July 21, 2012 at 2:55 am (12 years ago)I’m guilty of asking that question. And I’m sorry I asked that question. You’re right.
TJZMommy
July 21, 2012 at 3:00 am (12 years ago)I’m so disturbed by the judgement- really. Losing a child is an unparalled loss. The guilt that even I feel for the loss of my son, through and illness, haunts me daily.
I can’t imagine what these moms are feeling. We need to hold them tight- not judge. thanks for reading.xox
TJZMommy
July 21, 2012 at 3:00 am (12 years ago)If I can help you rethink your initial questions- that is a great thing- xox to you Mara
Linda
July 21, 2012 at 3:09 am (12 years ago)I agree with what you’ve written but have to stress Scarborough is a huge area. There are many great places and areas in Scarborough. The media focuses on the whole area when anything happens while everywhere else in the city the intersection is named. I live in Scarborough my kids are being raised her not by force but by choice. We’re in a great community where I feel safe. There are so many contributing factors which include social media and access to guns. Bottom line this could happen anywhere and has. To label a whole city as being the root cause of the problem is not appropriate and downplays other factors. Hold your loved ones close.
Insane Mamacita
July 21, 2012 at 3:14 am (12 years ago)Very well said. I just read Candace’s blog about this as well. Our thoughts should be with the victims, survivors, their friends and family at this time. They have a long road to recovery ahead. Instead of judging, we need to show love, compassion and empathy for all involved.
TJZMommy
July 21, 2012 at 3:15 am (12 years ago)Linda, you are totally right- I apologize for grouping the entire area. The shooting was so close to where my nieces and nephews lived their first years-it’s rough there, but not everywhere in Scarborough. DH was raised there too.
I felt like it could have been them.
Thanks for your comments- much appreciated.
Christine
July 21, 2012 at 3:16 am (12 years ago)Wow. There’s some food for thought. Thanks, Heather for posting this. Your blog posts are always so great and so thought provoking. I agree with you 100%. Show compassion and no judgement = key.
TJZMommy
July 21, 2012 at 3:16 am (12 years ago)I loved Candace’s post as well, Brandy. I was just editing mine when I read hers.
I’m glad I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and I sure my own loss added a different view for some.
I hope it maybe challenged some of the judgement that I heard today.
thanks for reading and commenting!
TJZMommy
July 21, 2012 at 3:17 am (12 years ago)Hey Christine- I think you and I were on a few FB posts today.
thanks for reading and for the comments. I hope this helps to see another perspective for some moms.
Linda
July 21, 2012 at 3:28 am (12 years ago)No worries. I figured that was the case. I had people posting on my facebook judgements about why anyone would have their kids out at the BBQ and movie, it’s so irrelevant and misses the point. I feel like this is people’s way of distancing themselves from the tragedy and reinforce the ” can’t happen to me attitude” the guilt and sadness these families will feel doesn’t need to be compounded with judgement! Thx for highlighting that.
Anonymous
July 21, 2012 at 4:43 am (12 years ago)Thanks for mentioning me in your blog, yes, I am the sister-in-law. I did move from Scarborough for that very reason, the violence. I was and am a single mother who absolutely did what I could do under the circumstances. I didn’t have a lot but I’d be damned if that would have stopped me, my children came first. It is my job, as a parent, to protect my children to the best of my my ability, and that means going over and beyond, at times. My children are grown and have no criminal records. I am a proud single parent, but what the writer failed to mention, she and my brother were key in helping me as well. You see, family is key to surviving, I definitely couldn’t do it without all of my family’s help, and they continue to help. I hope that the readers take this into consideration, and remember family is everything, saying it and believing it are two different things. Shelter your family with a security blanket full of love! Thanks Sis!!!! By the way, very well written.
Anonymous
July 21, 2012 at 4:53 am (12 years ago)I just read a couple more of the comments, and although not everywhere in Scarbourough is bad, it is increasingly becoming that way. I have worked for Metro Toronto Housing for a number of years. I have watched many of these areas go down, probably quicker than other towns/areas. I have to tell you. I took in a friend of mines son, she had four boys….they still live in Scarborough, (their mother now deceased),and the boy who I took in, is in the papers often for his cooking talents, as a chef. he travels all over. This boys brothers, on the other hand, have been in trouble since then, and I’m talking stabbings, being robbed etc. Everywhere does have crime, our world is made up of crimes, but some places are much worse than others. I am not mentioning this with intent to offend, I am merely speaking from my experiences working with housing. We have our share of crime out this way, but I will tell you, when I moved my children out this way, there was hardly anything to talk about. Out here, I tell people I’m from Scarborough, the automatic thing people say to me is, “Oh, you’re a tough chic then!” The news plays a major part in this…people are being informed, and Scarborough, does have a high rate of crime. FACT (According to the news!
Christine
July 21, 2012 at 5:19 am (12 years ago)Gosh I am feeling as though this is directed at me because I basically said that on a thread we were both on.
You’re right and as a parent who is often judged – I should know better.
Jo-Anne Wallace
July 21, 2012 at 5:34 am (12 years ago)Loved this post Heather. Both you and Candace stated what seems so obvious to so many people. “Have Compassion”. I’m always surprised when people I thought I knew are missing that trait. People make mistakes. Perhaps those people who found it so easy to judge the poor parents who lost children will eventually realize their mistake as well.
ZoeandJordan'sDaddy
July 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm (12 years ago)I couldn’t agree more with the nonsense about “why was that kid at the movie in the first place”. Blaming the parents for what happened is so fundamentally illogical and unfair that it makes my head spin.
Sure, I guess you can ask whether this was an appropriate movie to show to a child that age. (Even there, we shouldn’t be too quick to judge. I think that ALL of our children have seen media content that we would rather that they not see, at one point or another and for one reason or another. Lets not be too quick to hurl stones out of our glass houses.)
But for God’s sake, that has NOTHING TO DO with why anyone got hurt.
There is nothing inherently dangerous about taking a kid to see “Dark Knight Rises”. Taking the kid to see “Brave” would not, on principle, have been any safer. No one had any reason to believe that they would be placing themselves or their families in danger by going to a movie theatre…or, for that matter, to the Eaton Centre or to a youth camp in Norway.
It was “externalities”–someone else’s independent actions–that made these places unsafe. There was no way that any reasonable person could have predicted that events would have unfolded as they did.
The parents did nothing to place their kid in danger, Dark Knight or no Dark Knight.
(Thanks, by the way, for letting a Daddy drop in on the conversation. I hope I’ve contributed something useful. 🙂 )
ZoeandJordan'sDaddy
July 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm (12 years ago)Oops. Just noticed that I screwed up my first sentence.
It should read something like “I couldn’t agree more that the argument about “Why was the kid at the movie” is nonsense.”
I think my point is clear from the rest of the post, but still…way to make a first impression! 🙂
Linda
July 22, 2012 at 3:48 am (12 years ago)The intent of my comment was to caution when stereotyping a whole area. If I choose to raise a family in Scarborough it doesn’t mean I’m not sacrificing or a good parent. An article condemning judgement really shouldn’t compound more judgement. If you had said you sacrificed to move your kids out of a bad area in Scarborough I’d get it. But the way I read the blog and ur comments read to me like if you stay in Scarborough your not being a good parent because the area is dangerous. That hasn’t been my experience. I live in a great community. I grew up here moved downtown and came back. We chose between Pickering and Scarborough. Scarborough won and I’m happy for it. We all make choices that work best for our lives and families. TCHC has many apartments all over the city that has gone to crap not because of the location in the city but because of the lack of funding to have programs for those people living in the housing and lack of funding for support programs and upkeep of the buildings. That’s all over in every building across Toronto and Scarb. I work in the justice system so see it all from all over the city. community, family, funded programs and influence not location is the common link. That’s my experience.
mom101
July 23, 2012 at 11:30 am (12 years ago)Thank you so much for sharing this with me in my comments. I think you nailed it so succinctly when you said we don’t need to add “but…”
There are not buts. There should only be compassion right now, and talk about how to prevent more tragedies like this one. The age of the patrons in the theater was not a contributing factor to their tragic deaths.
My heart goes out to each and every friend and family of everyone in that theater that night.
TJZMommy
July 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm (12 years ago)Daddy’s are always welcome to join any discussion and weigh in on what Mom’s are talking about! Thanks for reading and commenting
TJZMommy
July 23, 2012 at 11:10 pm (12 years ago)To my sister- in- law= thanks for reading and discussing this issue. The particular area you were in, could have been detrimental to the kids- I’m glad you found a way to start fresh.
xoxox
TJZMommy
July 23, 2012 at 11:11 pm (12 years ago)Thanks Joanne and Mom 101- I think a great debate is always good to grow as a parent. Perhaps this point of view helped others to see that they might have been clouded by judgement.
The fact remains- children were killed. Parent’s lost their children. There are no “buts”.
TJZMommy
July 23, 2012 at 11:14 pm (12 years ago)Linda- your point is well taken. I think that both my SIL and I were only speaking from experience is a neighbourhood that showed signs of violence back several years ago and is even worse today (the area is close to the BBQ).
However, you are absolutely correct- there are safe and happy communities in Scarborough.
Thank you for sharing that with my readers.