I really love being the one that people come to for advice on how to honour someone they love, when they have died. While it can be difficult to relive our moments struggling with the same questions, it’s comforting to know that I might be able to help another family think of a special way to honour the birthday of someone they miss.
This year, on September 21st, it will be our boys’ 7th birthday. Four years since we all celebrated together. As I wrap my head around another year without Zack, I’m overwhelmed with memories of what it was like leading up to the arrival of our twins. The joy I felt being pregnant, the excitement as were about to meet them and then the way the world changed just after Zack arrived. This year, Jayden will be opening presents, sharing cake with his friends and enjoying family time but how do we mark the day for Zackie? How to we hide our sadness and grief from our happy birthday boy? The question haunts me every September, as I find the perfectly appropriate way to acknowledge the day for Zack while not taking away from Jayden’s celebration. Certainly a unique and almost impossible feat but we’ve managed to do it for 3 years.
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| Turning 3. Their last birthday together. |
Just last week a new Twitter friend (connected through the loss of our children) was approaching the first time she would celebrate her daughter’s birthday since her death. What could she do? How could she acknowledge the day? What were some ideas to do something in her daughter’s memory? I shared some of the ways we have celebrated Zack’s birthday over the 3 years since he’s been gone.
Here are 10 ways to acknowledge, remember and celebrate the birthday (or death anniversary) of someone who has died;
1. Send Balloon Messages: Nothing says a birthday like balloons. Especially when there are kids involved, balloons are the symbol of a birthday. We love to take a Sharpie marker and write personal messages to Zack and then sing “Happy Birthday” as we send the messages (and balloons) to Heaven. We often leave an Elmo balloon at the grave on that day.
2. Do what they loved: Did you loved one have a favourite movie? Watch it. My Twitter friend watched “Rio” for her sweet daughter. Did they love to eat at a special family restaurant? Eat there. Did they love a particular game or activity? Do it. We love to blow bubbles for Zack, as it was one of his favourite things. It reminds us of the memories of family time spent blowing bubbles for him and watching his infectious smile and laugh as we tried to pop them.
3. Visit their grave: It seems obvious, but some people find the grave site a sad place to visit. In our family, we have cried and laughed there. We’ve had cake on the grass for our first birthday without him and we’ve let off balloons singing “Happy Birthday” beside his gravestone. Our sweet friend, visited Zackie this week and made us realize that he is missed and remembered by so many others. If you have a friend or family member who is missing someone they love, you might want to make that same visit so they know that person has not been forgotten. It will mean more than you could ever imagine.
4. Be with Family: The most important thing after Zack died, was to just be with family on those tough days. Take the day off of work, plan a special day out of the house or just host a small and causal day together with family or friends (make it Pot Luck, as you don’t need the stress of hosting a dinner). Sometimes just being together is the best way to honour someone who is missed.
5. Make something special: Photobooks, artwork and even online videos are all amazing ways to share memories and celebrate the life of someone you lost. I love to make photobooks for the boys and even videos or slideshows about our memories with Zack. It gives our family a moment to reflect on those days, cry if we need to, laugh about silly times and even share stories together. Write a blog post if you are a blogger, write a letter and tuck it away somewhere special or write a poem about your thoughts. Sometimes we make treats, Elmo candy pops, the pudding he loved and I have even made Elmo cupcakes with the boys.
6. Buy Something Special: I love this new wall art that we bought at HomeSense. Could it be more perfect? There are really beautiful frames, artwork, printed pillows and even decorative pieces that might remind you of your loved one. Was it their favourite quote, colour or a photo from a place they always talked about? Buy yourself a birthday gift to celebrate a birthday of someone in heaven.
7. Go away: Our first birthday without Zack was painful and overwhelming. We talked it over as a family and decided that we just couldn’t throw a party that year. We decided to take a trip to Great Wolf Lodge with my parents, my sister and brother-in-laws families! It was just what we needed to be kind to ourselves, reflect on the day, have some fun and take our minds off of the immense sadness.
8. Donate to a Cause that Matters: Did you loved one die of cancer, MS, ALS, a Stroke or other disease? Even a small donation in the name of someone you lost is an amazing way to celebrate their life and honour their birthday. We are about to walk 20km for Zack’s Dream Team in support of SickKids and I love that it happens the week after Zack and Jayden’s birthday! Our donation and our commitment to walk together is just one simple way to teach our boys about giving back, but also spend time with families who have been in our shoes. We love the chance to donate money to SickKids on Jayden and Zack’s birthday, but most we love to make a difference in the lives of so many other kids.
9. Light a Candle or Leave a Chair at the Table: One small act of remembrance is perfect if the other ideas are just too painful. Leave an extra chair at the table for the day, keep a candle burning or leave out something special to them or move a treasured photo to the main area in the house. An unspoken guesture is often all that you have in you for the first year and that’s okay.
10. Do nothing: It’s okay to just do nothing. It’s okay to let the day slide by with no fanfare, special ceremony or acknowledgement. Give yourself permission to stay private and alone with your thoughts and not worry about making any extra effort if it’s just too hard.
Above all….be kind to yourself.
Do what your heart will allow and nothing more.
Don’t be concerned for what others may think, but what will help you mourn, remember and treasure the memories.
Brandy
September 22, 2014 at 9:13 pm (10 years ago)Wonderful tips H! I especially love the artwork for your home. It is so very true.
Happy birthday to your little men! You have a beautiful family.
Melissa
January 17, 2016 at 11:08 am (9 years ago)Thanks for the wonderful tips on how to celibrate someone’s Birthday after they had passed away. It will be a year on June 25th, 2015 since my Dad had passed away, and 20 days earlier June 5th, 2015 my grandfather passed away. So it been a pretty tough year for my family and I. We missed them both dearly, and don’t want them to ever be forgotten during any celibration. So thank you so much again.
Heather Hamilton
September 20, 2016 at 3:53 pm (8 years ago)thank you
memorial matters
March 10, 2015 at 6:27 am (10 years ago)Thanks for sharing great ideas to celebrate our loved one's birthday. We can also create Online Memorial for them to share memories.
Jennifer Roman
January 24, 2018 at 6:52 pm (7 years ago)That. A good idea
Donzell Lampkins
August 19, 2016 at 2:47 pm (8 years ago)I am so sorry for your loss but I am so grateful for this article. I believe these are some very effective tips! Thank you so much. Hope all is well with you and your family.
All the best,
Donzell
Heather Hamilton
September 20, 2016 at 3:52 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for reading and for your kind words.
Rob Polster
August 29, 2016 at 7:58 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for the ideas! My Dad died in 1974 and we are coming up on his 100th birthday. I have been trying to come up with an appropriate way to mark the day. I like the idea of moving a special photo to a prominent location and lighting a memorial candle.
Heather Hamilton
September 20, 2016 at 3:52 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for reading, I hope you honoured the day in a special way.
Nicole
September 3, 2016 at 2:16 pm (8 years ago)Just coming across this post as we come to another birthday without her. <3
Heather Hamilton
September 20, 2016 at 3:52 pm (8 years ago)So sorry Nicole, hope these ideas brought you some peace on that day.
Imani Collins
September 21, 2016 at 11:48 pm (8 years ago)Thinking of you today and sending you Love and Light. I came here to your sight today looking for ideas to celebrate my Moms birthday tomorrow. I’m reading and I couldn’t believe that today is actually Zacks birthday! Thank you for sharing such wonderful ideas!!! Again wishing you and your family peace in this day.
Best,
Imani
Penny
June 20, 2021 at 6:55 am (4 years ago)I also appreciate your suggestion to “do nothing”. Each person grieves and remembers in their own way. It is a very personal matter. I have had a lot of cajoling as to what I should do on the birthday of a deceased love one. I remember them in a quiet way – in my own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it. That said, thank you for all the suggestions and for writing this post. It is filled with good ideas, understanding and reverence for our individual experiences, feelings and practices.
Star's Sister-Kay Peterson
September 25, 2016 at 9:24 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for being strong enough to share. It will be nearly 1 year since losing my sister 2 weeks before Christmas 2015. Her birthday is 10-28. My birthday is 11-5. Since they are so close, we always celebrated mutually. This will be one year I can’t. The closer I get, anxiety is setting in. But you have definitely made it easier. I know my loss is nothing like losing a child, but we lost our parents when we were 11 and 12. She was all I had before we had our own families. She was a rock, my best friend, and I just appreciate that you have extended to me, to us, ways to grieve but with less sorrow than I would have had. Prayers to you and your family.
Heather Hamilton
January 31, 2017 at 3:25 pm (8 years ago)So sorry for your loss. I hope that you are finding some peace and signs that your sister is still with you.
Vane
June 1, 2018 at 6:28 am (7 years ago)Thank you for sharing, your post hit home. I lost my sister less than a year ago. Our birthdays Our less then a week apart. Her birthday would start the celebrations andine would end them. This year will be different and is bringing me much anxiety. I can’t think of my birthday and it almost bothers me when people ask about plans. I definitely want to honor her bday though.
Kim
October 21, 2016 at 11:53 pm (8 years ago)Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. Truly, I am. I happened across this post looking for a way to honor my lifelong friend who passed a month ago. Her bday is coming up. I wanted to do the balloon messages, but her daughter is concerned for the environment. I am thinking of another way to do messages, that wouldn’t hurt anything. Maybe random encouragement in the mail..? She was an extremely thoughtful and caring person.
Laura
January 21, 2017 at 3:40 pm (8 years ago)Hi, thank you so much for this. My friend died 10 months and 2 days ago of a heroin overdose, and today would’ve been her 19th birthday and me and her little sister, who’s my age, couldn’t come up with anything to do. I’ve lost so many people this past year I honestly have a hard time keeping track of them all. I think there were 7 deaths this past year. 2016 was a really horrible year.
Heather Hamilton
January 31, 2017 at 3:26 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry. I hope that this year brings you some new hope!
AnnMarie Ashton
February 2, 2017 at 9:00 am (8 years ago)It is important to mark yr loved ones grave during the beaverment process
Amanda
February 14, 2017 at 2:33 am (8 years ago)Thanks for sharing! I lost my little sister (Andrea) July 7, 2016 to an overdose. Her birthday is coming up this weekend on Saturday, February 18, 1984. Its extremely hard to deal with, and me being older than her something I never thought I would ever have to deal with. It’s her first birthday in heaven and I was looking for ways to celebrate/cope. You really helped me. I’m so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))❤
Heather Hamilton
March 25, 2017 at 8:28 pm (8 years ago)I’m so sorry for your loss and so thankful you came across the ways that I have honoured Zack’s day. I hope the 18th had some new ways to honour Andrea and be kind to yourself.
Leoba
March 11, 2017 at 8:44 am (8 years ago)Thanks very much for the tips.My 24 year old son passed on last year,he was pushed from 9 th floor building.
His birthday is 12 March,so I was wondering what to do.
I need to connect with other grieving moms please.Thank you.
Heather Hamilton
March 25, 2017 at 8:26 pm (8 years ago)I’m so so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle to yourself and find ways to both honour him and comfort yourself after such a tragic loss. Happy to help in any way.
Stephanie
March 8, 2019 at 5:11 am (6 years ago)My son Nick was 24 when he passed and was born on March 12 1993. He passed away on october7, 2017
Cassie Hendricks
March 15, 2017 at 6:12 pm (8 years ago)Thank you so much for number 10 – do nothing. I lost my son two years ago, and it’s still just too painful, but I feel guilty for doing nothing. It’s nice to hear someone say that it’s okay for now.
Heather Hamilton
March 25, 2017 at 8:26 pm (8 years ago)Doing nothing and saying no is a gift you can give yourself. It’s difficult but you will thank yourself for the time you need. When you are ready, you may choose to do more again…take your time.
Usha
March 22, 2017 at 9:44 am (8 years ago)Good day
I lost my bru in 2005 due a train run over him not sure if it was murder or suicide but still hard to get over.Then 2016 APril 6 I lost my soul mate and loving hubby who I miss dearly .
Heather Hamilton
March 25, 2017 at 8:27 pm (8 years ago)I’m so sorry for your loss.
Usha
January 5, 2019 at 11:59 pm (6 years ago)Thank u. Its seems our cries never end. May 24 2017 My aunty passes away tragically and then September 19 my baby sis passes away due to an operation which dr caused her death he cut her on the colon. ….body became septis found out too late. Still never ends here March 29 2018 my second sis her hubby goes to work has a massive heart attack. This killed me even more. How do we deal wth these losses.
Elizabeth
April 3, 2017 at 5:00 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for sharing this. My brother/friend/housemate passed unexpectedly from cancer last year and our family is at a loss. The household will be marking his special day with cupcakes and the birthday song. We love your idea of doing something he enjoyed, too.
Tammy Priest
April 13, 2017 at 12:08 am (8 years ago)So sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing so that others can find comfort in their loss as well. I have a couple ideas. 1. Donate books in your childs name to the local library. 2. Plant a tree in your childs name at the local park or wildlife preserve 3. Start a scholarship in your childs name. 4. Donate to homeless shelters or womens shelters. A lot of people don’t think about children being homeless. I hope some of these help someone else they have helped us.
chariana
May 17, 2017 at 10:36 am (8 years ago)My name is chariana Simon And 5.19.2017 would’ve been my sons 1st birthday. He passed away on the same night my 2nd mom died 5 years ago. They come to me in my dream….. i smell her perfume….. I can feel him body on/in my body still .. … I’ve never felt this form of confusion. I’m devastated never having an opportunity to hold him to hear him to see him see me.. my 2nd mom came to me in my dreams before I came to after having an emergency c section telling me I got em he’s ok stop crying. And today I stopped. For the 1st time I had the HONOR of feeling the presence of my son whole in bed with his sister. I feel blessed to be chosen to have had birthed an Angel and double blessed to still know undeniably that I was and Am his mother.
Janice
June 20, 2017 at 2:03 pm (8 years ago)I found your page while searching for something special to do in memory of our daughter’s upcoming birthday. She passed away a week after her 14th birthday last August. Thank you for posting these ideas…I think her sisters will like them. I am also very sorry for your loss, God bless your family.
Brian
July 2, 2017 at 1:28 am (8 years ago)Great blog Heather and thanks for the tips about remembering our passed away little’s ones on there birthday, my William would be 10 tomorrow , a year sinced he passed away now. I will light a candle in his honour 🙂 Zack looks like a little charm. His spirit lives in your writing. Great work .
Maureen
August 22, 2017 at 9:19 pm (7 years ago)So grateful for the varied suggestions Heather❤ You’ve helped me decide to do something intimate if a few others care to join me or not. It’s only been 3 months since my husband died and I had been pressuring myself about what might be appropriate. Maybe cake, going through photos, and sharing memories will help us celebrate him and remind us how blessed we have been. 💕
Heather Hamilton
August 31, 2017 at 8:53 pm (7 years ago)I’m so sorry for your loss, but happy that I could help you make the day special.
Robin
August 26, 2017 at 6:48 pm (7 years ago)Whew! Thank you for putting this out there. This year, I choose #10. My son would have been 22. 5 years of trying to figure out what to feel and do has never gone well. This year im going to be still and gather peace.
Heather Hamilton
August 31, 2017 at 8:53 pm (7 years ago)Thank you, Robin and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Tanya
November 2, 2017 at 4:31 am (7 years ago)Thank you Heather for the 10 Inspiring Way to celebrate the loss of a love one. In a few days it will be the first year of the passing of our mom, A young 60-year-old woman grandmother,sister, & Friend. Thank you for reminding me that doing nothing at this time is OK and taking care of ourselves is important.God bless
Natalie Watson
July 1, 2018 at 10:08 am (7 years ago)Thank you for your tips they are all great ideas
Tona
January 5, 2019 at 8:43 pm (6 years ago)Hi Natalie,
I got a call from one of my brother’s today saying our oldest brother had died.
He went on to say it was 2yrs ago and a distant cousin in CA contacted him in GA since finding out from our brother’s daughter.
I ask him to please try find the month and day he died on in yr 2016.
Im writing to ask you if you may think of some way for me or my family to show repect in this unusual circumstance.
Danitra Williams
February 11, 2019 at 10:41 pm (6 years ago)Will be celebrating my grandmother’s first heavenly birthday soon, came here looking for ideas. Thank you…she loved red, so red cutlery,plates,cups,table cloths and balloons..didn’t think about the message attached to balloons was gna just do a release but the message will make it better. Will have different pictures of her with the ppl that are coming,blew up and ready for them to take as a gifts..her fav foods and cakes also..
m
June 27, 2019 at 3:09 pm (6 years ago)I just stumbled across your blog not by chance. Wonderful tips and thank you for sharing these commemorative ideas. My husbands mother just passed away 330 am this morning. I felt calmed by all of these loving shares by each of you. Thank you.
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February 28, 2020 at 4:53 pm (5 years ago)My great nan will be 100 on the 12th of may. Me and my friends are going to hold a service for her at school. I was 8 when she died at 94. Sorry for your loss and I hope your sons enjoy their birthdays.
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May 2, 2020 at 2:27 pm (5 years ago)I met my best friend Bonnie when we were nine years old we spent 49 years together side-by-side side in a symbiotic joyous bubble I called home today is the second birthday I will be celebrating with her in heaven I’m still alone and broken and I miss her every minute my tears go out to all of you who have loved and lost grief is a memory no one can heal but the loving memories are something no one can steal steal
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February 25, 2021 at 6:37 pm (4 years ago)Please don’t release balloons. They end up causing harm to animals and the environment. That is no way to celebrate a life. The other ideas are much better.
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