Zack and Jayden’s birthday came and went this year with a quiet sadness. Not as heartbreaking as other years and I’m not sure why. Is it that 5 years has passed since we last celebrated together and the pain is less than it was at 4 years, 3 years, 2 years, 1 year?
It’s been pulling at my heart knowing that while there isn’t a day that I don’t think about Zack several times, his birthday remained Jayden’s celebration. Are all celebrations going to change this way too? I’m not ready to feel less pain than I have for four and a half years. I don’t want to stop feeling as deeply as I once did. And yet, it’s happening.
Jayden’s 8th birthday was filled with candles, new Nerf guns and lots of talk about both our birthday boys. I had a lunch date with my birthday boy and we loved our time together. We even saw a man with an Elmo shirt and thought it was a sign, just for us! We decorated a candy cake, made Elmo candy pops and even had some friends over to celebrate. Jayden was so happy and my heart was so full for him. He loved the day and with the struggles he’s been having, he deserved it to be filled with only wonderful and happy things.
The day went by with no tears from Jayden this year and I was so relieved to know that his journey through grief is also finding a new direction. We shared silly birthday memories and photos of the boys on their 1st, 2nd and 3rd celebrations,and Jayden was in charge of the choices we made about Zack that day. At first we had plans for a grave-side visit, but after school, he chose to go to the cemetery and release our message balloons the next day.
I wasn’t sad that the day came and went without releasing the balloons, but I knew I just needed to have my time to cry. Away from the celebration, I needed to feel the sadness that hung onto me that day. It wasn’t a pain like years before, but I knew I had to have time alone.
When the boys were put to bed, we had our snuggles and said goodnight, I quietly slipped into bed under my beautiful Zack memory blanket and sobbed. I talked to my angel about our day without him, what I wished for him, how much he was missed and even how much I will always love him. But when I couldn’t cry anymore, I had some chocolate, tucked myself under the blanket and fell asleep wishing to have a visit in my dreams.