One day before I enter another decade. I’ve been thinking so much about what this number or this birthday really means and it’s led me to reflect on my 30s and what they really meant, all that I experienced and what new perspective I can bring into this new decade and maybe new phase of my life.
One clear memory was my 30th birthday. I wasn’t nervous or upset at all about turning 30, in fact, it was quite the opposite. After a year of worry and doubt if we could ever have children, I had JUST learned that I was pregnant with my sweet Ty. I was over the moon, elated and very much excited to enter my 30s knowing that this chapter would begin with me coming a mother.
My career had certainly been incredible at Town Shoes but now with new influences on the team and my impending mat leave, my commitment was different. I didn’t feel that I belong as much as I once had and I really felt out of place at work. Maybe it was because I was fulfilling my destiny of becoming a mother and my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. It was a really difficult time for me, having grown up in that company, been mentored and finding a talent that I never knew that I had. Leaving that job, after the twins were born, was the right thing to do and gave me the chance to really focus on Zack and raising all three of our boys. While this decision was emotional and had financial implications, it felt right to both Paul and me for so many reasons. Now as I find my new path with momstown and through this blog and the world of social media and fundraising- I can really see how far I have come. I feel valued and appreciated and far more confident than I ever have felt before. Is that what 40 should feel like?
During this decade, my two besties were by my side as always and we were there through each other’s ups and downs. We raised our kids together, saw them grow into friends and now we can all enter our 40s together. I’ve connected with beautiful women, like Libbie, who has joined our family in such a natural way. I’ve met moms of children with special needs or women who have lost a child or husband and now we have a bond deeper than most. I’ve seen some friends grow distant and I’ve met a whole new group of amazing online and in real life friends who I now cherish. After moving to our current house, I also realized that friends come in the form of neighbours, too. Not only did I find women and families that we adore, but our sons have found friends to grow up with. Moving to our house was one of the best decisions of my 30s.
I’ve seen my parents change so much within the 10 years of my 30s. From busy business owners to busy retirees! From doting parents to doting grandparents to their boys. They’ve gone from living in my childhood home to moving to their dream home by the lake and I’ve seen the joy that this new life brings them both and our entire family. I’ve seen my Dad conquer cancer and my mom endure a horrible illness. As I turn 40 this week, I not only get to celebrate my own milestone, but also celebrate my Dad being 5 years cancer free!
My thirties was the decade that my beautiful and talented sister and I found our common interests; shoes and our sons. As she became a rock-star shoe buyer, I’ve left the shoe biz (but still living it through her). I watch her reach for the stars and grab onto them and I’m so damn proud of her. The best part is that we are moms together. Moms to 4 four boys between us and our kids couldn’t adore each other more.
This year also marks 13 years of being married to the man of my dreams and 18 years of being together! I find it so hard to believe that he has been in my life for almost half of it, and yet I can’t really remember life without him. Our love affair started just before I turned 30 and that passion and need to be together has grown so much in a decade. We have been through more obstacles than many, but we still remain committed and devoted to loving each other through it all. Life is just better together, and while it has never been easy, it has been worth the work to make it through. I do hope the next 10 years will be kinder to us and allow us to really have some more fun together.
My 30s brought not only my sweet Ty and the four years of loving and adoring him and him alone, it also brought another journey through infertility to become a mother again to our twins. The day they were born, I was 34 and a half and yet with all that I learned since their birth combined with stress and depression, it aged me beyond my years. There are almost 2 years that I find it hard to remember. Life was so difficult and draining and yet I found the strength to do it all. I find it hard to remember feeding Jayden and Zack at the same time and yet I did it several times a day. I remember the juggling act, as well as the drive to do whatever I could do for my sweet son, while giving what was left to his brothers and their dad.
My 30s also brought me the most profound loss I’ve ever endured and a pain that I know will remain with me not only into this next decade, but for my whole life. I think there is some guilt or at least sadness, as the universe lets me turn one year older and only let Zack live for 3 of those years. On the other hand, Zack’s death opened me up to a larger and generous community- one that helped me reach our goal to create Zack’s Dream Room. That experience has forever changed me and allowed me to learn more about myself, humanity and ultimately helped me honour Zack in a very special and beautiful way.
These 10 years were certainly the most difficult in my life and yet they have shaped me the most. They taught me the strength and determination that I’m not sure that I ever thought I had. I know that I have these years (and Zackie) to thank, as I enter this new decade having a new awareness about myself and what I’m capable of doing.
Happy 40th to me- BRING IT ON!!!!!
Bubbie Bonnie
April 9, 2013 at 3:45 pm (12 years ago)As I read this beautiful blogpost I remember the lovely teenager who came into my home and has been friends with my daughter forever. I remember all the parents setting you and Kath and Lori up in your first apartment in London when you went off to UWO, and seeing the incredible young women you had become. I also remember sharing the pain we both knew at the loss of your Zackie, and the incredible support you gave to our family when we lost Jonathan. I was so privileged to be included in your 40th birthday celebration. You have so much to be proud of Heather – you have survived everything life has thrown at you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and hopes and dreams with us.
Heather Hamilton
April 9, 2013 at 3:53 pm (12 years ago)Thank you, Bonnie. You have always been there. So grateful.
Unknown
April 9, 2013 at 4:06 pm (12 years ago)Like you my friend your words are so graceful and so impactful. I am honored to have been with you by your side every step of the way not just thru the 30’s but from our wee years when our only worry was wondering what your Mom was making us for lunch.
Life is so much harder now but so much more fun because we have great freinds and great families to share all of it with.
Love you and my wish for your 40’s is to be filled with joy, love, laughter and of course more GREAT times together!
XOXOXOX
Your BFF
Kath xo
Elise Ondet
April 9, 2013 at 4:50 pm (12 years ago)Another beautiful post Heather that lets me dreamy and close to tears. You are one courageous and generous woman and I hope I’ll be able to meet you in person one day – not only by email and phone calls and tweets!
Happy birthday to you. May this decade be the best, and then the other ones be the best too 🙂
Paula Schuck
April 14, 2013 at 2:49 am (12 years ago)What a beautiful post! Very lovely and Happy Birthday!