Marriage is hard work…add that to a life with kids, even harder…with a child with special needs…the odds are against you. Our marriage has taken its own journey dealing with issues I hope very few couples need to face.
Paul and I adore each other- we have for almost 15 years now. When Zack was first born, we were really united in our fight to save his life and love our other boys as if their life had never changed. There was nothing that I did, that Paul wasn’t doing- whether it was late night feedings or diaper changes with Jayden, driving Ty to JK, or housework. We were a team!
As time went on and Zack’s needs began to unravel bit by bit…controlling feeding and GERD, discovering his hearing loss, failure to thrive, seizures, and physical delays, my role as Zack’s Advocate, Caregiver and “Doctor” became all consuming. I was CEO of this little life and I put my all into it. The rest of my energy was for the other boys and that really left nothing for my husband. Paul became the sole breadwinner so I could be there to get Zack all the help he needed. He was consumed by the role of sole supporter of the five of us and was exausted when he came home. Life was not what we planned and we were both sad and overwhelmed by the magnitude of our responsibilities and really unable to see the stress on the other person. We were stuck.
A few years ago, our marriage was tested- the journey had taken us to a place where we either needed to listen to each other, make some changes and put our marriage on our “to do” list, or we would become another statistic. We made a choice to make it work- we made a choice to be a team again.
1. Know that you are not alone- find blogs, online groups, support groups to talk honestly about the effect that your special needs child has on your relationship.
and “More Than a Mom”
are two of my favorites. 6. Date again- a movie, dinner or if you are truly lucky- a romantic night or two away (great way to release some stress :-))!
7. Find individual therapists, marriage counsellors or spiritual advisors for regular or monthly “check ins” – the needs of your child can be like a rollar coaster and have peaks and valleys. Have supports in place for those peaks. An unbiased opinion or “Marriage Ref” is great to get you through a recent diagnosis or the birth of a child with special needs.
Renee
June 30, 2010 at 12:20 am (15 years ago)I’m new to blogging and came across yours because I work in Early Intervention. I’ve started your blog from the beginning and this one is absolutely AMAZING. I know how hard things can be I’ve seen it (not experienced it), and wanted you to know that I commend the five of you for being together as a wonderful team. Stay strong