Getting Help When You Need It

It’s hard to ask for help for yourself. I remember the day I called my doctor a few months after the twins were born, asking for some help to cope.  She started me on an anti-depressant that I ended up taking for a few years.  I was so grateful to have the help when I need it to be the best mom and wife I could be while I struggled to raise three boys, one with serious medical needs.  Then it helped after Zack died.  It allowed me to get out of bed and find a meaningful way to move on in a new journey by fundraising for Zack’s Dream Room.

It can be even harder to admit that you need help for your child, but I did it for Zack and now I’m doing it for Jayden. Last year was a challenging one at school for Jayden. One that was filled with emotional breakdowns missing his twin brother, visits from Social Workers (free through the school board) and private Child and Youth Workers (we paid $80 for a few sessions), frowning faces and notes in the agenda and a green/red card behaviour system (that proved to be successful). It was shortly after knowing that his grief was distracting him at school, that we reached out for help from the school board social worker.  In May, we learned that this was not the right forum for him to address his emotions and we needed to do more. We were really excited to see that the card system and spending more time communicating with his teacher, helped Jayden’s behaviour at school but we still needed to find an outlet for his grief in a creative way, the language he loved to speak most.  The phone calls to social services in York Region were my next steps. Being the end of the school year, both boys were on the waiting list for a bereavement class that is offered for FREE through Hospice Aurora-King and we were on the waiting list at Blue Hills Family Centre (a FREE service in York Region). 
 

My funny Jayden needs an outlet for this creativity!

It can be even harder still to admit that you need more parenting “tools” in your “toolbox”. I’ll admit that Jayden has always been a kid with lots of energy, not a lot of focus and challenging moods.  So totally different from Ty, we have been challenged in the many ways that Jayden likes to push the boundaries and our patience.  He’s a real “boy” that is easily distracted, loves to be busy and has more ‘swagger’ than should be allowed at his age. On the other hand, our Jayden keeps us laughing with his silliness, has the ability to tell a story that keeps you on the edge of your seat, plays every sport imaginable and makes friends so easily!  He’s just a fun, creative kid that you love to be around!  We became concerned about a potential learning difference during the last few months of school.  As the work in Grade one got harder and with multiple steps, he seemed to struggle to really understand the tasks that were asked of him.  His reading is fabulous and his ability to tell as story is very complex, but getting those words down became a clear challenge for him.  Still yet to be diagnosed (if there is something there), we wanted to get some help to not only diagnose that potential difference and find ways that we can motivate and accommodate him at school, we also wanted to find ways to encourage his creativity and crazy sense of humour in ways that are appropriate and respectful.  

I’ll be honest. I’m a different parent than I was when Zack was alive. I’m a different mother, wife and woman.  It’s impossible not to be.  I know that my guilt for leaving Jayden to play alone for those 3 years when Zack needed me more has made me a more lenient mom to both Jayden and Ty.  I wanted to be gentler and kinder to Jayden, so that I could make up for those three years when he didn’t get much attention.  I still want to hold him close to protect him from those feelings of grief and loss.  I forgive him so much more because of all that he’s been through in 7 years.  Am I letting him get away with more than he should?  Totally. It’s not right, but it’s the truth. 

September is off to a great start! Blue Hills has called us and we are thrilled to have a Child and Youth Worker assigned to our family! We will be doing a two-hour intake interview next week and we can’t wait to share all the amazing and challenging things about our sweet kid and find ways to channel this creativity and find the best ways to bring out what makes him so incredible. While it was hard, we admit that we need help. We need new ways to parent that can help our entire family learn better ways to navigate through difficult times and we need to move passed the guilt that might be hindering our ability to parent in the best ways for our boys.

It’s great to reach out for help! The burden is less overwhelming and I’m finally feeling hopeful and positive about the future! The new school year is off to a very positive start (like this note from his new teacher- “Jayden is working really well and is quite helpful in class“)! With week two of school being over, I finally feel that I can exhale and feel confident that we are moving in the right direction- getting the help we need to have a fabulous year ahead!

Any advice for getting help for yourself or your kids?  What has worked for you?