How to Help Bereaved Parents After the Loss of a Child

I’m always aware of the loss of our child. We wear it every day like a tattoo. Each day a memory floats by my mind and I’m taken back to the raw emotions of those beginning days without him.

Last summer was a perfect example that I’m not the only one in our family who feels this way. I heard crying from the other room, during a BBQ at our house. I thought the kids were playing and then I decided to check what was going on. I walked into the living room to see Jayden surrounded by his sweet friends trying to comfort him. I’m not sure if Jayden’s grief was closer to the surface after a therapy session the day before or whether it was the fact that we had so many families over for dinner and he felt Zack’s absence…but he was hurting. For whatever reason, Jayden’s grief was strong that night and we were all reminded of how close we keep it to the surface.

I’ve never written this before, but I’m often asked how to help bereaved parents through the loss of a child. I hate that I’ve become a bit of an expert, and I love that I am able to help others. While, I can only speak for what worked for us, I think its time you heard ways that I think that you can help bereaved parents like us (or anyone with a profound loss), to feel just a small bit of comfort as they mourn the death of someone they loved.

1. Say his name. Don’t ever apologize for talking about my Zackie. You will never make upset by sharing a memory or asking about him. I may have tears or a lump in my throat, but I love to hear about my son or have someone share a memory. Please don’t stop because it’s been a few years or more.

2. Visit his grave. Its a very special place for us to remember, laugh and cry about losing him. We are so grateful to our beautiful friends who continue to send photos of their visit, leave sweet messages or gifts or just send me a text that they are stopping by. It reminds us that others miss him too.

3. Don’t question our grief or the time it takes. Grief has no time limit. Time means nothing when it comes to loss, so don’t expect it to. Make no expectations on the family who grieves and they will appreciate your respect.

4. Remember the kids in our family. Children grieve differently and they may need something special during a difficult loss. Our boys received little care packages, special desserts, small gifts and books to help them feel loved and comforted when Zack died. Knowing that they had something to be excited about during that time, was a huge comfort to us.

5. Don’t ask about having another baby. If someone has lost a child after a day, two years or more, just don’t ever do this. Ever. I will never forget the doctor telling us “not to think of having other children at this point in time”, just as Zack slipped away. Are you kidding? A new baby is not a replacement for a child who has died. It was never even a thought for us, especially during those early days. Our family was complete.

6. Offer help, even if they say no. It can be simple. Bring meals (!!!), babysit the kids, take them out, pay for a house cleaner, give them time off work, come over with lunch for a visit, drive the kids to dance/hockey/daycare and anything else that will make regular life easier and the loss less overwhelming. 

7. Don’t try to find the silver lining. You know those people who say “well, you have two other beautiful boys”? Well, those are people who will never truly get it. There is no silver lining when you’ve lost a child or really anyone you love. Our son is gone and there is nothing that you can say that will help that pain. Be real, like these fabulously honest cards for grief. Tell me it’s horrible, it’s unfair, that life will never be the same without him and that you miss him too or tell me you just don’t know what to say. I promise that will be a breath of fresh air.

8. Make a donation in their memory. Each dollar that we raised for Zack’s Dream Room, was like a warm hug that helped me get up everyday. If the family you are supporting hasn’t started a fundraising effort, consider starting one. If they already have one…share it with others.

9. Offer hugs! You’d be surprised by just how much a hug can mean to someone who’s suffered a loss. Stronger than words, a warm touch, rubbing a shoulder or a sweet hug can take the pain away if only for a brief moment. There may be tears, but consider that a sweet release and a sign that you found exactly what they needed at that time.

10. Be a great listener. Let the bereaved parent or spouse or sibling or child have a breakdown and cry when I just can’t keep it in anymore. Some days, that’s all anyone can do. Let us talk about the person we love…ask questions and get to know the person they were. Listening to our memories is a lovely gift to give someone who is grieving.

Please feel free to ask any questions if you need more advice on how to help someone who is experiencing a loss!