I didn’t think I could do it again…

I’ve been around babies since Zack died. 

I’ve seen them, they’ve come to my house and I’ve even attended baby showers.

All of those situations have been very hard for me.

The truth is that I have had such a difficult time with anything baby since Zack’s been gone.  Not only because I’ve lost a child, but also because he was my baby.  He needed to be carried, pushed in a stroller, fed and was still in diapers.  When Zack died, all of that was gone and I became the mom to only “big boys”.  Even Ty and Jayden would say “let’s get a new baby” to stop me from crying.

I’ve had no desire to hold a baby in almost two years.  NONE.

My once “baby magnetism” has been totally shattered and now I actually steer away when a baby is in the room.

Then yesterday happened….

A visit with my sweet friend and Zack’s hearing teacher, Jana and her new baby.  I’ll admit that I was really nervous knowing that I would be expected to hold him and not totally sure how I would react.

I have to first say that not only was Jana so important to us in the beginning, when Zack’s hearing loss was diagnosed, she was also there in the end.  She sat in the waiting room during the last days of Zack’s life, came in to see him and brought us coffee and snacks to keep our strength up.  When Zack died, she continued to care for us by helping to arrange meals to come to our home for over a month after the funeral.  She is family and a sweet connection to my son.

When I walked into her house and she and her son were in the front room (with her adorable husband!).  She was the picture of a lovely new mother and in that instant it changed for me.  I wanted to hold him– not only because I adore his mother, but also to do what she had done for me.  She held my son so many times and now it was my turn to do the same for her. 

Jana and Zackie

I spent the entire hour with this new little life in my arms.  I made him smile, heard his sweet voice and then held him as he fell asleep. I didn’t let go until it was time to leave and it felt just perfect and right.  I’m not sure if my connection to this new soul reminded me of Zack or whether he made me feel close to my own baby again…but I do know that in that moment, it was beautiful, just as he is. 

Thank you Jana and Tomas, for sharing that moment with me and welcome to the world, sweet boy, there is an angel watching over you. xox