“I’m sorry your brother died” is sometimes all that I can say to Jayden when we are snuggling late at night.
Some nights the words just escape me and I can’t tell him the things that I should say or even the things that might comfort him the best.
Some nights I just have to listen, honour his emotions, and be vulnerable in my own.
Some nights it’s less about saying the right thing, but sharing our grief together. Asking questions to each other and getting angry that we don’t have the answers.
Some nights I don’t know why the doctors can help other kids and just couldn’t help Zackie. Some nights, it doesn’t make sense to me either.
Some nights I can’t find the best way to explain what it means to be brain dead or what cardiac arrest means. Some nights it breaks my heart to relive those moments.
Some nights all I can say to my sweet son is that his twin didn’t feel pain and that his Daddy and I didn’t leave his side. Some nights, I question if I really did all that I could do to help.
Some nights I have to ignore the bad word that would usually lead to a punishment, and say “I’m pissed off that Zack died, too”.
Some nights, like last night, we hold each other, close our eyes and wish for Zack to visit us in our dreams.
Bubbie Bonnie
November 4, 2014 at 11:18 am (10 years ago)I think it’s wonderful that you can share your pain. Somehow I think that must make it more bearable for both of you. Its really all you can do for each other but hopefully it makes the healing come faster for all of you.
Loukia
November 4, 2014 at 12:30 pm (10 years ago)This made me cry and I’m so sorry. So much love to you.
Lisa
November 4, 2014 at 2:12 pm (10 years ago)Oh god Heather. These words are beautiful but the fact you ever had to write them is ugly. You’re right, it doesn’t make sense. And you have every right to feel pissed off. I’m pissed off for you! You are an amazing mother my friend. MUCH love. Hug you soon.
BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities
November 4, 2014 at 2:31 pm (10 years ago)I think your being with Jadyn in his grief is the most loving thing you can do. I read a story recently in the New York Times about a man who had accidentally shot his brother when he was a boy out hunting. And he said the most terrible thing was when family members and others gave him simple platitudes about what had happened (e.g. “He’s in a better place.”) and didn’t allow him to feel his grief and rage and the unfairness/randomness of it all.
Heather Hamilton
November 4, 2014 at 6:13 pm (10 years ago)It was a tough night, and there are many of them. All I can do is my best. Thank you for reading and helping us thought these nights. xo
Mauro Arturi
November 4, 2014 at 7:40 pm (10 years ago)I’m so sorry for your pain and can’t even begin to know what you are going through. I do know that we will all be together one day in heaven.
Natasha Chiam
November 5, 2014 at 4:21 am (10 years ago)Heather, I have no words… because I know there really are none. I am sending you all the love I can. You doing your best is beautiful and I too wish you both the best of dreams with Zackie. Many, many hugs to you all.
temperedwithkindness.com
November 10, 2014 at 4:38 pm (10 years ago)It’s so hard, as an adult, to try to wrap your head around the death of a child. I can’t even begin to imagine the process through the eyes of a child.
You are such a wonderful and loving mother. I am so glad that you share these things with us because I believe it helps – not just you, but lots of other people, too.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It makes no sense. None.
*hugs*
Keep talking. Mamma’s need to vent and work it all out, too.