It was time to make the change

Zack’s room was the place where he and I would rock the night away.  The place where I tried to get a few minutes of sleep between humming the Elmo song, during his 2am episodes.

It’s the place where he would sit in his bouncing chair and get his meds and his gtube feed each night as he watched his Elmo episodes.  I’d sneak back in the room about 30 minutes later to find him curled to one side, peacefully asleep.  I’d unbuckle him, get a quiet snuggle and put my sweet son in his crib and pray the night would be uneventful.

In the mornings, it was the place where I heard either a cry or a sweet “babababababa” while he played with the blinds over his crib…he loved the silly sound that they made.  I’d open that door to start our day- one that would include morning meds, gtube feeds, therapist visits, lots of Elmo episodes and so much laughter.

Before Zackie died, we were in the process of redoing his room to create an “Elmo’s World” just for him.  One night he and I were awake and I took crayons and drew on the wall to try to replicate the crayon drawings on the Elmo’s World episode.  I even wrote “Zackie’s World” in the middle of the wall and added some Elmo stickers around the room.  I had bought the linens, the comforter and pillow cases for Christmas that year and he had been using them while we worked up the courage to paint the walls.  When kids came to visit, Ty and Jayden would invite them up to Zack’s room to draw on the walls and it became a beautiful collection of messages, picture and memories.

After Zack died, we placed several momentos in his room, on his shelves and even in his empty crib.  Posters that kids had drawn for him, more stuffed Elmos, his hand and foot molds that were made the night he died and even photos that we found after he was gone.

In the early weeks after Zack died, there were several days when walking past that room was far too difficult for both Paul and I and we shut the door.  There were also days that I sat in the rocking chair, hugging his blanket and remembering his weight in my arms as I sobbed thinking of how much I missed him.

But time has gone on and we really just left the room alone.  The odd time I would want to hug Elmo or look at Zack’s things but really, the room had lost the life that was once there- literally and figuratively.  Even still, Paul and I just couldn’t wrap our heads around taking down his crib, removing all of his things and converting the room into a room for Jayden.  We knew the time would come, but we were pushing it off as much as we could. It hurt too much to even think about it.  We had had a discussion with my Dad about what he could do with the crib.  We decided that he would take the rails and repurpose it into a bookshelf for Zack’s keepsakes and two step stools for the boys.  Beautiful souvenirs of that special crib.

Ty and Jayden have shared a room for over 2 years and it became really clear to us with all the bickering and arguing, that we needed to make a decision to move Jayden to his old (and Zack’s old) room sooner, rather than later.  The thought literally made me sick to think about and I couldn’t discuss the topic without completely losing it.  Even though I knew it was time…for so many reasons…it also felt like the end of something so special and so many memories.

Then it happened…in such a perfectly natural way.  We were clearing room on our main floor for our Christmas tree and we had to move a huge table holding Jayden’s fire station set, somewhere.  That somewhere was either our basement or the room that would be his.  We decided to take it upstairs and make the move to start the transition.  As we started to move things around and see the excitement on Jayden (and Ty’s) faces, we knew that we had to move Zack’s things to the basement or put them in boxes.  While we had lumps in our throats as we took down the Elmo DVDs, favourite toys and put away posters kids had made, it just seemed like the right time for our family to make this big change.

We took so many photos that day and the boys were such great helpers.  We had spoken to them about how we were a bit sad to take down Zack’s things, but at the same time, we were so excited for both of them to have their own room.  They seemed to understand the emotions behind this change and Ty was really sweet in capturing each section of the wall with his own camera.  Then we did what we had been dreading…we took down the crib and moved in Jayden’s big boy bed.  Jayden was insistent that we put the bed in the spot where his crib used to be.  With a deep breath, we took the crib rails and mattress to the basement and put together a new space for Jayden.

When we were organized and the room was looking pretty great, I sat down on the bed beside Jayden and looked around.  I was truly overwhelmed with emotions.  As I lay there, it occurred to me that the room had come back to life.  I could almost hear Zackie cheering for Jayden and promising to watch over him.  Once again, I was in this room and there was laughter, love and the possibility of making new memories.  I once again had a son to say good night to in that room and a reason to get excited to open the door again in the morning.  I snuggled in with Jayden and in that moment I knew we had done the right thing for all of us.