It’s not right, but it’s okay

Yesterday, at a lunch with my contact at the York Central (Mackenzie Health) Foundation, I heard sad news of their plans to move the pediatric unit, only months after we celebrated the recognition and not even 6 months after the rooms were all painted.

It turns out that with more babies being born at our community hospital, the maternity unit that shares the floor, now needs the 6 rooms that were just renovated and transformed into something beautiful for the kids.  Zack’s Dream Room and our other Zoo Animals room are 2 of the 6 rooms that are now moving to a totally new wing of the hospital.  While it is a newer and probably nice area of the hospital, it isn’t where Zack and I stayed so many nights together, snuggled in bed watching Elmo DVDs.

I know that these administrative decisions happen all the time in hospitals and I’m also pretty sure that the other 4 donors will be perfectly happy with this decision and knowing that the murals on their walls will be recreated in another room….but I’m not just a donor.  This project, that room, was so much more than a plaque on the wall for me, for us.

My heart is heavy knowing that the room that was created with such magic by my friends Leigh-Anne and Sarah, will no longer be a pediatric room where the nurses who loved Zack can tell his story to the moms and kids.  In the past year, I have received several emails and messages telling me about other moms, who knew Zack’s story and were able to stay with their own sick child in his beautiful room. I know that new moms and their babies will now be inspired by the incredible mural, as Elmo and Zack welcome that new little one into the world, but its not what I planned.

The hospital plans on asking the lovely Marilena, to recreate the 4 murals that she painted just last fall, on the walls of the 4 new rooms.  That leaves our 2 rooms.  I feel that the animal room, which was never painted, can now have a chance to come to life in the new room…but that leaves the Dream Room.

Do we keep Zack’s Dream Room where it is?  Leave the plaque and NOT create another Elmo mural in the new room?  Do we keep the memories and the spirit of that room exactly where it was intended to be?
Or
Do we create a second Elmo room, maybe not the Dream Room, but another room that is inspiring to those children and nurses in the new wing?

The questions for my heart and head go beyond the simple painting of the walls and moving of the equipment.  My heart is sad, thinking that the Dream Room is somewhat tainted now that it will not exist in the way in which it was intended.

But, does the Dream Room extend beyond the walls? 
Is Zack’s essence in that room or can it be wherever I can show his spirit and share my own heart with other moms and kids?

My dad asked me last night, isn’t Zack’s spirit portable?  Don’t we feel him in so many places?
Can’t his Dream and his magic be transported to another room as well?

I’m not sure about the answers to these questions or what the final outcome will be.  But I do know that I will follow my heart and listen to what Zack tries to tell me. 

Maybe Zack and I aren’t as finished with this beautiful project as I thought? 
Maybe there IS more for me to do?  Maybe he is pushing me to do more?

As I read the advice from our amazingly supportive family and friends, I do promise that Paul, the boys and I will make the BEST decision to honour Zack’s spirit and allow his legacy to continue to inspire others.