So many days I keep the feeling of sadness and loss bottled up.
I hide it from the boys, I hide it from Paul, I hide it from my parents and friends, I hide it at work and I even try to hide it from myself, but it’s always there.
Grief is a part of who I am.
It has forever changed who I am, how I see the world, how I see others and how I see myself.
It has created a layer of sadness that I wear like an undergarment, hidden from the world.
It creeps into every day, every mood, every breath and it can consume me when I least expect it.
It makes me grumpy and impatient and sad.
I miss the me that was exhausted with sleepless nights, but overwhelmed with joy as a living miracle was in my life everyday. I miss the me who had shined as Zack’s caregiver and advocate. I miss the me that knew my purpose in life. I miss the me that felt the deepest happiness and laughed out loud with my boys.
I miss my complete family. Our family of 4 is not our family. I look at photos of the four of us and it’s not right. It’s not how it was supposed to be.
I don’t need a hug, a like on Facebook, a glass of wine or even shopping therapy. I need my son back and it’s the one thing I can never have.
Excuse me while spend some time alone, because I’ve decided to cry today.