Letter from a great Daddy…

The morning of my son’s funeral I woke up and was angry. I’m sure under the circumstances, you may have started your day with feelings of grief and sadness, but I was mad. I looked up towards the heavens and asked…

“Why would You do this to me? Why would You take away the most treasured of all gifts from my arms?” Zack’s twin brother continues to ask ‘why did Zackie die?’, and as his father, I don’t have an answer that will satisfy his curiosity. Do You have any suggestions? After all, I keep hearing people with good intentions tell me… ‘this is part of His plan’ or ‘Zack is in a better place’. Really? Is there a better place than at home with his protective brothers and loving parents? If this was part of Your plan, why would You have him endure so much pain and suffering during his short time on earth? With his more than 20 surgical procedures and physical complications. All the trips down to Sick Kids or York Central. The hearing loss, the G-Tube, the deletion of his 12th chromosome, the inability to speak, the congenital heart defect known as Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Drainage (TAPVD), the global development delay, seizures and hydrocephalus – the buildup of fluid inside Zack’s skull, leading to brain swelling. This is enough for a grown man to experience over a full lifetime, but to subject a 3 year old to this…and you want me to believe this part of Your master plan?

You know how much we adore not just our kids, but all kids! We volunteer our time helping to improve the lives of children in our neighborhood, at our church and all over the world. Heather and I were also in discussions of adopting another child into our family to fulfill a personal wish I’ve carried with me my entire life. And You shattered this dream by taking our son away? Why would You do this to us…to me?

I’m not perfect and I’ve made many terrible mistakes and decisions…but if You take all of my sins and multiply them by a million, it still wouldn’t justify You ripping our hearts out by letting our little Zackie die. Heather dedicated every minute of her life to Zack…working with Zack’s therapists, doctors, nurses, specialists, and everyone else involved in ”Zack’s Dream Team” to ensure Zack had everything he needed to help him reach his full potential. When other parents have given up on children as unique as Zack, we put everything we had into helping him be the boy he deserved to be…at times, sacrificing time away from his brothers and our family to give him what he needed. We tried so hard every day of our lives, giving up events, trips, date nights, and other normal things to help keep him safe…not because we had to, but because he meant more to us than anything else the world could offer and we believed our miracle little boy will one day do all the things the medical world told us he wouldn’t. He was our angel on earth, my special little guy. And now he’s gone. I demand an answer. I deserve one.

Your plan? It’s terrible. Not only have You taken the life of a very special child, but you have taken my heart, my soul and left me as an empty shell. I’m broken because I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

I was also angry because I couldn’t feel Zack’s presence anymore, something I felt every minute of every day for the past 3 ½ years. You see, I was there when he was born was rushed to Sick Kids from North York General. I was there when he flat lined, not once but twice on the table as the cardiologist examined his heart, 6 hours after he was born. Zack and I have always had this special bond. Since Zack’s passing, the overwhelming feeling I have now is emptiness…I’m numb. People were convinced that he made the successful passage to Heaven because they received a sign. Doors opening unexpectedly, toys turning on by themselves, or visions in their dreams. I’m his father and I have yet to receive my sign that my Zack was ok. A few years ago when I was at the lowest point in my life, Zack reached up and touched me. And in that instant of feeling his deformed fingers glide across my cheek, I knew everything was going to be all right. Now he’s gone….

As we arrived at the chapel to lay our son to rest, I was amazed at the hundreds of people who turned up. Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers and complete strangers came out to join Heather and I say good-bye to Zack. I was moved because he was just a little boy, but he had such an impact. During the ceremony, I remembered the following message sent to me by Salim Manji, a friend of a friend:

“Life is best measured by impact and not duration. In that way Zack lived a life of incredible importance. I’m sure he’s touched many, many more people than he ever could have realized. As a parent, I know that Zack’s story and memory will have a positive impact on my relationship with our children. The value of that is immeasurable.”

As the service progressed something magical happened. Answers started to come, and my feeling of anger softened. Looking around the auditorium, I realized in that moment that Zack was never meant to be just my child. He was given to Heather and I as a gift to share with others. He taught us all some valuable lessons and I would like to share some with you now:

• Zack’s Poppa mentioned in his speech that even imperfection is part of God’s perfect plan. And I believe that now. Zack had so many anomalies, but he was perfect in every sense of the word. So when you see a child with special needs, remember they are here for a purpose too and we need to work hard to understand and incorporate them into the world we all share. We need to continue to do more to help out.
• Zack couldn’t use words to communicate what he was thinking or how he felt, but like a good jazz or classical piece of music, when he laughed, it came straight from his soul and you knew exactly what he was saying or feeling. Sometimes what’s not being said or the words from our hearts are far more important than those that come out of our mouths.
• Zack didn’t have a single enemy. He allowed and accepted everyone for who they were. Sure he didn’t like the doctors who were giving him needles, but he knew that they had good intentions. He looked beyond the prick and saw another human being with their own set of issues and used that as a way to create a common bond. We often focus on our differences and what sets us apart. I believe Zack had this amazing ability to identify what we share in common and used this to build meaningful and honest connections.
• Zack never gave up and used challenges thrown at him by life as just another obstacle to overcome. The day Zack walked for the first time, his Uncle Gary and I were chatting. Gary looked over at me and asked, “Do you think he will walk and if so, when?” As the proud and optimistic father, I replied, “he will walk, but not for another 3 – 6 months”. Zack was in the room as I said this, and although he can’t “hear” , as soon as I finished speaking, Zack stood up and took two steps and feel down. He followed that up with 5 more steps and fell down. Gary looked at me and said, “I think he’ll be walking a lot sooner than that.” Zack got up and for his encore, walked to the kitchen, then back and the rest…well, he never stopped walking after that. Even the words of his biggest fan turned out to be another challenge that he decided to take on and overcome. He never gave up.
• Zack made my wish come true, but in a different way. I wasn’t fortunate enough to know or meet my real family and I vowed that I would one day adopt an abandoned child and give them a home to feel and be loved. But through the sharing of Zack’s story, I had the incredible opportunity to meet three new incredible people – my very beautiful and special nieces Makayla and Daisy and their loving mother Denise. They have become a part of my family now and we are blessed. The lesson here is sometimes the things that are important to are there, but in a different form. Be open to looking at things differently and you will see, your dreams will come true.

Last night my boys and I were watching this special tribute video we put together to remember our Zackie. I was sad and tired and put my head down on Zack’s twin brother Jayden’s legs to rest. We continued to watch and suddenly it happened. I had received my sign. I felt the soft touch of fingers skating across my face. I looked up and it was Jayden’s fingers gliding across my cheek, telling me that in this, my darkest hour, everything was going to be all right. Jayden then turned to me and said “Daddy, Zackie isn’t sick anymore. He was in a box and went to heaven. And when he got to heaven, God opened the box and gave Zackie all of his toys so he can play.” Thanks for giving my little Jayden the answer he needed to satisfy his curiosity.

I’m not angry at God anymore as I transition from painful feelings to healing and growth. I just wish He gave me the choice or asked for my input. But He knew what my answer would’ve been and decided Zack is needed for a bigger cause than mine. I believe Zack is out there helping other kids like him get through their trying days ahead. I believe Zack is an angel helping those poor victims in Japan get through the devastation of the earthquake and tsunami. I believe that Zack is using his legs, his heart and his voice to help where he can. And as Michael Marshall said, I believe Zack is in a better place, “ sitting beside the King”.

Thank-you all for your heartfelt wishes, kind words and allowing me to share with you how I feel. As Bernadette Salmon wrote to me:

Paul my sincerest condolences for the loss of Zack. Please know that you are in my prayers. The days right now are as dark as can be and if I tell you it will get better I would be lying… Please know that losing a child is perhaps the worst thing a parent can ever endure….
There Where Many Moments With Zack Just Not Enough Years

The dark days continue but please know that your support is helping Heather and I get through this, minute by minute. I have heard from other parents who have lost children, and we appreciate your words of encouragement. In conclusion, I will leave you with a couple of items:

• Click on the link to watch the special tribute video created to honour our little Zackie. A Special Tribute Video to My Son Zackie Hamilton (2007 – 2011): Live Well, Laugh Much, Love Often
• We are honoured that the doctors, nurses and administration at York Central Hospital have agreed to start a campaign to raise funds to dedicate a room in the children’s ward in Zack’s Honour- Donate to Zack’s Dream Room and pass along this link!

• We are touched that you have helped raised over $7,000 for the Hospital for Sick Kids Foundation
• My sister-in-law Karen gave us this poem…

WHEN GOD CALLS LITTLE CHILDREN”

When God calls little children
to dwell with him above,
We mortals sometime question
the wisdom of his love
For no heartache compares with
the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world,
seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to his fold,
So He picks a rosebud,
before he can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so he takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult still
somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “Goodbye.”
So when a little child departs
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.

Paul