March 4th, 2011- one year ago

Facebook post from that day:
Damn! Flu plus a lung infection- my little trooper is so sick. Now on nasal prongs for oxygen full time plus fever when meds wear off. Hoping to see an improvement on new antibiotics. Keep praying that we can all be together again.

We learned that Zack’s second xray showed that his lungs were much worse.  What used to be small white “hazing” was now everywhere in both lungs.  Unfortunately, I was getting pretty good at reading the xrays before the radiologist even spoke.  His IV was blocked, so we had to yet another poke.  The poke didn’t worry me so much, he had had IV for several days, it was time to try a new vein anyway.  The part that worried me, was that he was so out of it, that he really didn’t even flinch or put up his normal fight.  My Zack was slipping away….and I had no idea how to get him back.

This was my email to my parents- they wanted to catch an earlier flight home, so that they could support us and help with the boys….that was not going to be possible and I still had no idea about how bad this would become….

Mom and Dad,

It will likely take more than a day. Just had another fever again and they did blood work.
I’m frustrated but still just hoping he just needs time.  Don’t u dare leave. We are ok. Next week will be a good help- haven’t really thought that far. Paul will bring the boys down tomorrow so I can see them and take them out. Miss them so much. Had a rest today, taking it easy all day.  Zack is barely waking at all. Just want to take a shower now.  Please try not to worry. We are ok and we need to be patient and hopeful. Tomorrow if no improvement, I’ll start to bang down some doors!!!

My night ended with a wonderful visit from my bff, Kathryn- she smuggled in some wine, her famous chocolate chip cookies and dinner.  I was so relieved to have a friend to talk to and a shoulder to lean on.  I had been feeling so isolated in the room and so helpless.  She had helped so much with the boys, and now she was taking care of me.  We had a great visit, watched some crummy t.v. and she snuggled with Zackie for a few minutes.  I was so grateful to have her by my side.  I knew I could count on her in the days to come.

When she left, I was alone again.  Alone with my sweet boy, the tubes, the machines and my questions.

How did we get there? 
What could I have done better? 
When could I take him home?