My Birthday Lessons this Year

Tomorrow I turn another year older, but am I really another year wiser?  

Our year has certainly had its ups and downs, but I almost feel like this year, I’ve changed and grown far more than I did when I turned 40. In so many ways, I learned a lot about myself this year, started to feel more comfortable in my own skin, followed my passion and smiled more. So I thought I’d share a few things that I’ve learned along my year journey to this 42nd birthday;

There is such a thing as a “perfect” job! I did find a role that’s fulfilling, feeds my need to give back and help others and also one that surrounds me with amazing women who inspire and support me as well as value all the passion that I bring to my work. Best of all, I work 5 minutes from home and get mornings and after school with my boys!

Friends can be family and family can be friends. Our “blended” “Howilton” family has sure had a blast this year. We’ve helped each other on PA Days, driven each other’s kids to  hockey and even ate our way around Niagara Falls together. Our kids text each other, argue like siblings and our hubbies take turns being the “best husband ever” for both of us. We still find something to talk about everyday, support one another at all costs and we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders. We’re family. After losing and then reconnecting with another friend this year, I’ve truly learned to appreciate the space that each of my friends hold in my heart and in my life, allowing each of them to be different but equally special.

I’ve admitted that my grief has changed me. Forever. It’s true. Just as Zack forever changed me as a mother, wife and human being, so has grief. I think I’ve been waiting for sadness to pass, for the tide to change, but this year I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it won’t ever pass. Life will never be the same and maybe never have the pure joy I once felt. Sadness is permanently tattooed on my heart and creeps into every day, every celebration or memory. I’ve learned that my grief is a journey that I will forever be on and one that has just become part of who I am. I need to get used to sadness. I guess it’s my new “normal”. Some days I might wear my loss on my sleeve and other times, I might tuck it into my pocket and not share it with anyone else. I’m okay with the fact that my heart might never heal or feel whole again. Losing Zack is part of my story, part of who I am, as so many other experiences have also shaped me. Instead of running away from it, this coming year, I want to embrace the new me, accept it and move forward in life without feeling like I have to let go.

You must find help if your child is struggling. My poor Jayden has had a tough time at school since my last birthday. His grief had really become an obstacle for his learning and even his behaviour. It literally broke my heart seeing him finally grieve for Zack in such a profound way. It hit him hard and we loved him through each meltdown with cuddles and sweet memories of his twin. We’ve contacted several community agencies, school supports and even spoken to our pediatrician to help him with some emotional and academic challenges that are happening at school. Mama Bear has been out in full force this year and it’s allowed me to advocate for my sweet Jayden, just like I did for his brother. I’m good at it and it has shown Jayden that I’m willing to do everything I can to help him. He can see that I’m trying to make things easier for him and I know he appreciates it. Not taking no for an answer and reaching out to get support has not been easy, but it’s been worth it. We’ve begun to see amazing changes in Jayden and we are so proud of him!  He has moved past the worst of his grief and hasn’t really had a breakdown in a long time. He’s also working hard to be more focused at school, less emotional and moody, in general but just as cool, creative and funny as he’s always been. Having gotten some parenting support, I took a look at my own role in his behaviour. I had to be really honest about whether I could be more patient and really help him through some of his emotions. It’s not easy to realize that you have work to do as a parent, but I love him more than enough to do the work. The biggest lesson for me has been that just because your child CAN be independent, doesn’t mean they should be. I know that I often let Jayden play on his own, because he enjoyed it and I had things to do. Now I realize that he needs more time with me and I’m loving every second of him kicking my butt at Go Fish, watching him do something he loves or even playing WWE together on Xbox. We are closer than ever and he’s happier and feeling successful. That makes for a very happy mommy! 

I know that I never want my relationship with Ty to change. I’m going to hold onto it tightly and value it every chance I get. We have a closeness that is incredible. He tells me everything and way too much and I love it all. We’ve gone from me holding him in my arms at night to our evening snuggles where I fit perfectly in HIS arms. We are so similar and I find that by talking to him and hearing his worries, I learn even more about myself. He’s caring, forgetful and smart. His sensitivity scares and amazes me and I hope he stays as wonderful as he is, always.

I adore my husband. Not only does he get hotter each year, he does all that he can for the three of us, even though he’s incredibly busy with work and travelling. He appreciates all that I do for our family, and actually tells me (amazing, I know!). This year we learned to make more time for each other with a few date nights and he has even planned a birthday weekend in Niagara! Despite the fact that Paul’s been out of town a lot, we talk more (when he doesn’t fall asleep from exhaustion), laugh more, hold hands and kiss often (to the disgust of our kiddos), fight less and we are closer than ever. After almost 15 years of marriage and 20 years of loving each other through all that life has thrown us, without a shadow of a doubt, he’s the only one for me. 

My parents are getting older and I want to savour every minute with them. Having just spent a week away with them, I realize more and more how important it is to take the time to call them every day. I have a crazy schedule but most mornings I call them on the way to work and I love that the two of them both jump on the phone to hear about my insane morning of lost shoes and broken backpacks or about the plans for my day at work. I listen intently as they tell me about how busy their day of volunteering on far too many committees will be and I worry if one of them has a health concern. There was a time that I let my life get in the way of hearing their voices, but not anymore. It’s a privilege to still be able to talk to them every day and I’m not going to take it for granted.

I don’t need or want a glass of wine every night or even every weekend. Shocker? I’m shocked too. I was the one who was tagged in wine jokes on Facebook and laughed about it being “wine o’clock”. I had gotten into such a habit of visiting the LCBO each week and drinking my favourite Chardonnay most nights that I hadn’t stopped to see if I even wanted a drink anymore. I know I wasn’t addicted to wine, but to the habit. Since January 5th, I’ve maybe had 4 glasses of wine (only while on vacation) and I haven’t looked back or even struggled quitting cold turkey. I might have a drink or two when I reach my weight loss goal, but for now, I’m enjoying my healthier habits (and a crap load of water each day) for a while.

I’ve learned that I CAN stick to a diet and weight loss plan without sabotaging my hard work! What a powerful lesson to know that I don’t need to eat carbs or bread to feel comforted. My struggle with weight has been life-long and maybe, just maybe, at 42, I’ve found the secret to help get me to the weight I was meant to be. I didn’t honestly think that I could get to one of my long term goal weights, but I’m only 4lbs away and feeling great! Clothes feel better, shopping is fun, and I’m not going to stop until I’m at the new goal I have in mind. The secret? No “reward” meals or “treats” on the weekends or vacations to slow me down. Lots of water, no alcohol, fruit once a day and very little carbs (no wheat for me). With the support of Carrie and some other incredible women on the same crazy ride, I’ve lost over 25lbs since January and I’m feeling more comfortable and beautiful everyday.

I’m blessed to have my family. It’s simple. We’ve had our challenges through the years, but when I tucked my boys in at night I realize that I am so lucky to be their mom and to have married their incredible daddy. We cry together, we laugh together and mostly we treasure our time together. 

Here’s to another year of possibilities, fun family memories and learning even more about myself! Happy Birthday to me!