Another year goes by and the Christmas tree is up. So is our new Elmo decoration.
The lights are twinkling, the carols are playing, the ornaments tell a story of our life and there are several branches adorned with Elmos for Zack.
And yet, I just can’t find that spirit again this year. It’s been three years since I spent hours and hours each night finding the perfect gifts for my three boys and loved every stress-filled moment. I knew those late nights would always lead up to seeing their faces on Christmas morning. There was magic then. There was tremendous happiness three years ago on Christmas. There was a joy in our house that’s just..gone.
I don’t mean that we don’t feel joy or happiness. Of course we do. We have two amazing boys who bring us laughter and pride everyday. It’s just different. It’s as if we can’t feel joy with our whole hearts anymore, only half. It’s as if our broken hearts dim every bright light. Will it ever burn brightly again?
This Christmas I have 12 wishes. Wishes for me, for Paul, for Ty and Jayden and even for Zack.
1. I hope that Zack is free from pain and only feels the freedom and happiness he deserves to feel. I only wish I could know for sure.
2. I hope that I can create a special and magical holiday for Jayden and Ty. One that they can look back on and remember fondly. I hope that I can fake it when I have to and relax and be happy when I feel it.
3. I hope that Paul and I can have holiday time to mourn Zack quietly together.
4. I hope that our family and friends remember that Christmas is a beautiful time of year, but will also carry deep sadness for us. I hope that they remember Zack now too.
5. I hope that Zack shows us a sign that he is truly with us this holiday and always.
6. I hope that Jayden gets an electric guitar from Santa to make us laugh with his silly and entertaining concerts.
7. I hope that Ty gets an iPad to give him some grown up time and something special just for him.
8. I hope that our days and nights are filled with Christmas movies, pajamas and lots of family time.
9. I hope that we celebrate the holiday with many ways to give back as a family, insuring that our boys know the importance of being generous.
10. I hope that we carve out time to be unplugged and disconnected from the outside world and focus on the four of us.
2. I hope that I can create a special and magical holiday for Jayden and Ty. One that they can look back on and remember fondly. I hope that I can fake it when I have to and relax and be happy when I feel it.
3. I hope that Paul and I can have holiday time to mourn Zack quietly together.
4. I hope that our family and friends remember that Christmas is a beautiful time of year, but will also carry deep sadness for us. I hope that they remember Zack now too.
5. I hope that Zack shows us a sign that he is truly with us this holiday and always.
6. I hope that Jayden gets an electric guitar from Santa to make us laugh with his silly and entertaining concerts.
7. I hope that Ty gets an iPad to give him some grown up time and something special just for him.
8. I hope that our days and nights are filled with Christmas movies, pajamas and lots of family time.
9. I hope that we celebrate the holiday with many ways to give back as a family, insuring that our boys know the importance of being generous.
10. I hope that we carve out time to be unplugged and disconnected from the outside world and focus on the four of us.
11. I hope that the four of us can find moments of joy in all that we do together.
12. I hope that when the holiday is over, the Christmas emotions of loss will subside and we can move through our life remembering the amazing boy Zackie was and enjoy each reminder in a way that makes us smile and not feel quite so sad.
tricia mumby
December 4, 2013 at 3:21 am (11 years ago)Oh Heather! xo xo Zack is free of pain and with you. You can make your family time at Christmas special. Zack will show you signs – watch for them. It’ll never be the same, but it can be great. But what do I know? I appreciate your words and your sharing and just want to hug you and tell you it’ll be OK and that you can do this. xo Merry Christmas
tricia mumby
December 4, 2013 at 3:21 am (11 years ago)This comment has been removed by the author.
Christine McN
December 4, 2013 at 1:56 pm (11 years ago)Oh, Heather!!!! This is so beautifully written. I cried reading this.
Thank you for always sharing with us. Sending lots of hugs your way. Echoing everything Tricia wrote.
I never had the chance to meet Zack, but know he is a very special boy and had a special place in so many people’s hearts. xoxo