A precious little boy has died, in the most unimaginable way.
A horrible tragedy has ended his short life at only 3 years old.
Elijah’s mother won’t be able to rock her sweet boy to sleep or see him grow up.
She’ll have to say goodbye and find a way to move on through life without a piece of her. She’ll look for signs he’s with her, she’ll celebrate holidays and birthdays and feel lost without him for the rest of her life.
And every day she’ll wish it had been her who had died and not her beautiful son.
The mood was frantic and hopeful but as we began to learn more about how Elijah opened the door and left the building, I saw the shift on social media for answers and finding someone or something to blame. “How could the grandmother have let this happen?” “Was the door locked?” “How come he wasn’t safe?” even “how can I keep my child safe” leads to blame. It insinuates that he wasn’t safe or that someone didn’t do all that they could to keep him from an unimaginable accident.
Almost four years ago, I lost my three year old in a completely different way. I also searched for answers and someone to blame. There isn’t a day that goes by that Zack doesn’t also cross my mind. NOT ONE. What could I have done differently? Would Zack still be here if I had just gone to the hospital sooner, pushed more or earlier for answers, insisted on one more test or if he had gone into cardiac arrest during the daytime when the hospital would have been full?
I know that while we might feel connected to Elijah, he is not “our son“. This heartbreaking story had us following closely on social media and compelled to want to know the what and the how, it is none of our business. We need to let this broken family grieve without the media pointing fingers or questioning their judgement or parenting. This is their goodbye, not ours. This family, these parents, this grandmother will be forever haunted by guilt, the “what ifs” and “if onlys”.
As a grieving mother myself, I feel like I want to protect Elijah’s own mother from the scrutiny and ask you not to look for someone to blame or a way that this tragedy could have been prevented. While the generousity of people wanting to help is demonstrated in the funds that have been set up for Elijah’s funeral, is overwhelming, do we know they want this? Do they want to be in the public eye more than they already have been? Do they now feel obligated to do a bigger or public service so “WE” can grieve too? Do they want strangers contact them now? Many parents who lose there children simply choose a very private way to say goodbye. I’m very worried that the new fundraising efforts puts far too much pressure on parents who lost their son less than 24 hours ago. This family has just had to go back to their child’s room to see where he slept, smell his clothes and see his toys. Their heart is broken is a thousand different ways.
What you can do, in honour of this precious boy, is say a prayer for his family and hope that they slowly heal in time and with privacy and respect.
Most of all, you can spend a few extra minutes, hugging your own children very tight.
**Elijah’s mother, Georgette Marsh, has sent a statement and thanked the supporters for the outpouring of generousity for the donations and prayers.
Deborah Coombs
February 20, 2015 at 1:24 am (10 years ago)Thank you for writing this, Heather. You've said it so well. I was appalled to see people questioning locked doors and how a 3yo would know how to operate an elevator and so on. OMG so not ok.(But, for the record – there was no elevator and, have you never seen a 3yo faced with an array of elevator buttons??) This kind of tragedy, sadly, can happen to anyone. I was also appalled that CP24 had a reporter at the mother's home this morning, poking around and asking questions. So incredibly insensitive.
I want to write about the things we did when M was little to keep him from wandering off at night, in case there's some ideas that that others might like to use. But I can't yet. I don't want to in any way appear judgey, or to add to the family's grief. I can't begin to imagine what they are going through or how his grandmother is beating herself up right now. They are firmly in my prayers. And I truly hope they will be allowed to have their privacy and time to heal.
Lisa
February 20, 2015 at 1:37 am (10 years ago)I actually did share on my blog today about some of the ways we have tried to secure our home. Not in judgement of Elijah's family. Not at all. But to say, it can happen SO easily. There's no blame. Kids will wander sometimes. It's unpredictable and completely unimaginable. I feel so awful for this family and this sweet little boy. Heartbreaking.
Sheri
February 20, 2015 at 2:46 am (10 years ago)Very well said Heather. My heart is heavy for them, and there's no need to place blame.
Margarita Ibbott
February 20, 2015 at 7:03 am (10 years ago)Thanks for sharing your wise words. Truly a heartfelt plead for common decency. My prayers are with his family. Hugs to you Heather.
Tammy Mitchell
February 20, 2015 at 11:28 am (10 years ago)Oh Heather your words have so much meaning. My heart has weighed heavy for this poor family and their little boy. Tears have rolled for the mother and this whole family. You are an inspiration Heather.
Paula Schuck
February 20, 2015 at 1:20 pm (10 years ago)Heather: this is heartfelt and perfect in tone. I am sorry for your loss and for their loss. The world is a sadder place today without these two special babies in it. I don't understand why some people place blame. I think it helps them to feel like this could never happen to them. The reality is maybe this was no one's fault but it is sad, incredibly sad. This is the best post I have seen about Elijah. Nobody should be judging parents or family right now. There can be nothing worse than what they're already feeling. My heart breaks for you and your kids Heather. My heart breaks too for the sweet baby lost yesterday.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting
February 20, 2015 at 1:33 pm (10 years ago)If people were looking for someone to blame in Elijah's death, that is obviously misplaced and cruel. It is a horrible tragedy that couldn't have been predicted or expected.
I'm thankful I didn't see any conversations laying blame, but I did see (and participate in some) conversations about how to keep our children safe. I think when something tragic happens, whether it is a car accident, a drowning, a sports injury or whatever, we all reflect on what we're doing to keep our children safe and whether we could or should do more.
Social media provides positives and negatives. It provides us with a space to discuss possible solutions (e.g. "a lock up high where kids can't reach may be a good idea" but then "what about the fire hazard if a child cannot open the door?"). But it also means those conversations are happening in a place where Elijah's family could see them or where the media could pick them up and amplify them.
Laura Jane
February 20, 2015 at 2:12 pm (10 years ago)I really feel for the parents and grandparents , family and friends. It is such a tragic accident. As a parent you try putting as many safety protocols in place but you are always one step behind a three year old. Tyler used to be able to climb up anywhere to find the keys to doors and just knew how to unlock everything. Kids are sponges and watch everything. As Michael j fox said about parenting "being a parent of a toddler is like being on suicide watch 24 hours." It is so true. I really don't know how Tyler survived but I am so grateful and lucky that he survived.
Loukia
February 20, 2015 at 3:50 pm (10 years ago)All the prayers for peace and comfort in this impossible time for this family, for you, for everyone in this terrible situation. My heart as a mother is broken, day after day. I think it's impossible not to feel the pain and cry our heads off. But certainly we can grieve from a distance without questioning the family or bothering them, absolutely.
Mrs. Wilson
February 20, 2015 at 4:59 pm (10 years ago)Amen to this. I also have a three-year-old. I would be shattered, which would be made worse by the public thinking he was "their" child.
Darlene Schuller
February 20, 2015 at 8:47 pm (10 years ago)This is gut wrenchingly sad. We are not perfect, but we do not give the little ones in our lives enough credibility for their capablities. I know children 5 years old capable of running an ipad better then their parents.
You can never prepare yourself for something like this. Who even thinks of this .. truthfully, has anyone gone to bed at night and their last thought being "gee i hope the kids can't get out"..
My heart hurts for this family.. the road to healing is going to be a long and rough one, I do hope the world can give them the space they need.
My thoughts and prayers to you on the loss of your little man *hugs* it takes a long time to recover somewhat from such losses. Many thoughts of peace and strength for them and you.
Michelle @ RoastedMontreal.com
March 3, 2015 at 2:36 pm (10 years ago)This is just so sad for everyone… well said, Heather.