Still Thankful After the Loss of My Son

This year I have struggled with this holiday. For obvious reasons.

I have so many things to be thankful for…I know that for sure.

But with such an immense sadness it is a chore to really let my heart feel grateful.

It’s helpful for me to write these down and share them with you. I’ve spent some time this weekend, really giving thought to the many blessings that I have in my life.

While they can never erase the pain of losing Zack, they still deserve to be celebrated.

• I’m thankful for Ty. Ty was my first miracle. The one that taught me that I was meant to be a mom. He still makes me proud everyday, of the sweet, sensitive boy he is and the amazing, caring man I know he will become.
• I’m so thankful for Jayden. While Jayden can test me with his crazy moods and attitude, he is the silliest and funniest kid that I know. When I need a laugh, he is there for me. When I need to be someone’s favourite girl….he lets me know that I’m his, forever.
• I’m thankful everyday for being Zack’s mom. When Zack was born, it brought out a strength in me that I never knew I had. I still have that (most days). I’m grateful to have known such joy in my life- while there has been immense pain, the joy is what I hope I will always remember.

• I’m thankful for memories and for all the photos that document our life.
• I’m thankful that I have a husband that is sensitive, caring and loving. One that will cry with me when we are alone and one that is strong for me when I need him to be. Through the many challenges we have had over the last few years….we still choose each other. I wouldn’t want to live this life with anyone but Paul.

• I’m thankful for family time, movie night, field trips and snuggles.
• I’m thankful for chocolate.
• I’m thankful for my parents. For all the tests that they have both had to their health, they are the strongest people that I know. They work hard at everything that they do, including being great supporters, grandparents and parents. They are generous and caring and I know that is where I get my sense of giving.
• I’m thankful for my sister. Proud of all she has accomplished and of the women she is. I’m grateful that I can now call her my best friend.
• I’m thankful to have two amazing best friends- Jill and Kathryn. I couldn’t live this life without your support. Crying, laughing, borrowing clothes, dogs, fundraising, carpooling and pool parties…we’ve done it all….together. Love you both.
• I’m thankful to have our beautiful home on a street that surrounds us with neighbours and friends like my sweet friends; Smita, Jenn, Gina, Karen. Don’t ever move.
• I’m thankful for the energy to give back and create not only Zack’s Dream Room, but help York Central and support the pediatric patients and their parents.
• I’m thankful to be healthy and to have the ability to do more.
• I’m thankful for little Roxy, our new dog, who is about to enter our daily lives and bring joy and laughter to our family. I know the boys will love this new experience.
• I’m thankful for friends and family who have helped us all get through the last 7 months and the last 4 years; Libbie, Smita, Tina, Jana, Alex, Lisa and so many more.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to go to work everyday and feel valued with Candace at Name Your Tune. And I look forward to finding my next passion.
• I’m thankful to SickKids for not only allowing us to have 3 years with Zack, but for being gentle, caring and respectful in our last few days with him.
• I’m thankful for the quiet times alone, when I can cry and be free to mourn.
• I am thankful to Elmo, Kevin Clash and Sesame Street for giving us a furry red monster to hold onto and a symbol that embodies Zack’s spirit.
• I’m thankful to the extended group of women (and men) online who have helped pick me up as I’ve been about to fall. They have laughed and cried with me and I’m so grateful for those new friendships.
• I’m thankful for an outlet to express my feelings in writing on this blog.
• I’m thankful that you take the time to read about my family, myself and to offer support.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

What are YOU thankful for?