The Emotions of My New Thyroid Cancer Diagnosis

Wow…this is one wild ride already.

After meeting with my surgeon this week, we now have a plan. Since the right side likely has some cancer cells as well, he is going to take out the entire thyroid (total thyroidectomy) in late April or early May. Dr. Shah feels confident that my lymph nodes are NOT involved (yay) but will double check with a new ultrasound in a few weeks. Once we agree that the plan is good to go, I will attend my pre-op and book the date for my two night stay at North York General Hospital…the place where I was born and where I delivered our twins.

The last week has literally been a whirlwind of emotions.

I’m feeling overwhelmed with each and every comment and message of support. They have not only made me feel incredibly loved but stronger and comforted, knowing I’m not alone. I’ve always reached out to share my story, sometimes for my own healing and sometimes in hopes that someone else feels compelled to reach out…it’s helping me immensely.

I’m feeling honoured that so many people have shared their own stories of survival. The membership in this club can totally suck, but its members are inspiring and incredibly strong. With each and every story from someone who’s been there, I feel more positive and hopeful. Hearing strangers share their own journey through to the other side of thyroid cancer, has given me even more cause to be positive as I begin my own.

I’m feeling pissed off. Pissed off that I’m tested again. Pissed off that our family, who has had its share of crap, is going through it again. I’m pissed off that my kids have to worry about me. I’m pissed off I’ll have a scar across my neck for the rest of my life.

I’m feeling brave. I really haven’t cried much at all. Is it because when it comes to shit people have to go through, I’ve been through worse? Is it because with Zack I found a strength that I never knew I had and I never knew I’d need again? Is it because I have a husband, kids, family and friends who have always helped me to see my own bravery? Yes to all of this.

I’m feeling sorry for my boys and for my husband. I know I’ll be okay, but they hear the word “cancer” and automatically worry. They’ve been through so much over the last 5 years (and more) and we had just begun to heal and exhale…thinking life would finally be a bit easy on us. Surprise! It’s not easier yet, but I really hope that one day, we can take a deep breath knowing the worst is behind us.

I’m not feeling “lucky”. I get it. Cancer comes in all shapes and sizes and I have a “good” kind that is very treatable. I won’t lose my hair or have the same struggles as the incredibly brave women and men who have been through something far worse. But I have cancer. I don’t feel “lucky” to have it, but I do feel grateful that it is treatable and optimistic I will be just fine.

I’m feeling loved. I know that like other struggles in my life, the people who love me, will help me through it.