The Hard Limits of Parenting

I’m finding lately that my parenting “hard limits” (to borrow a 50 Shades of Grey term) are being tested.

It seems that what I first thought were absolutely not acceptable, have become allowed over time.

I can’t possibly be the only parent who has had this happen…can I? 

I can’t be the only parent who’s once held values and rules, become lax as their kids grow. But I’m not even sure if it is because our kids are getting older, because I am, because the outside influences have become much stronger or even because I now choose to pick my battles.

I remember when Ty was in JK, we had a strict “no bathroom words” rule.  He would be asked to go to the bathroom if he wanted to say ‘pee’ or ‘poo’.  My, have those rules changed!  If we don’t use toliet language at least once at the dinner table, it’s just not a normal meal.  I’m forever throwing these words into the silly songs we sing or into conversations in the car, just to impress my kids.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I have bent this rule to fit in with my boys and be called cool by their friends!

Another example, is my once strongly held belief of “no guns in the house”.  This one has been completely thrown out the window.  Not only do we have one gun, we have several!  Maybe half are water guns and many don’t look at all like a REAL gun or rifle, but they are very definitely guns.  When did my beliefs change?  The once black and white “no gun” rule is now full of grey- current rules seem flexible and changing like the “no aiming at our heads”, and “no shooting the dog”.

Another one is video games.  Video games are huge in my house, especially with our oldest (almost 9).  We once had a deal that I had to “approve” all games that were played- he would ask me to watch and then I would add it to our “ok” list.  He is really testing me on this one- like telling me that he played an “inappropriate” game at camp with a buddy, fully knowing that I would not have liked it (gotta love his honesty, though).  He got so emotional the other day, when I told him that cartoon characters with life-like guns shooting each other until red blood poured out- was NOT okay for him to play.  He was so upset with me and wondered if he would EVER get to play violent games.  I found that hard to answer- in fact, I wouldn’t really want my husband to play those games, so it is not really an age thing at all.  Have I given in a few times, sure, maybe pushed a few boundries?  A little bit….but I find myself sticking to this one.  I don’t agree that video games need to have “real blood” in order to be enjoyable.  I’m not sure this will change with age.  I guess this is a “hard limit” with me.  In Angry Birds, yes, the pigs die  when bricks fall on them- but there are no real weapons or blood.  

When Ty first said “Sh*t” I nearly jumped across the table at him.  I was so upset!  My mom was there (and definitely NOT a stranger to this word)  and we were playing a card game.  He rolled a crummy number and said “Oh it”, I mean “Oh, sh*t”….are you kidding me?  He was 7!  While my mom hid her snickering, I very clearly outlined my “hard limits” with swearing.  Not tolerated AT ALL.  About a year ago, Ty started getting really anxious about swearing and words that he knew in his head.  He was so worried about “accidentally” saying them…His blunt honesty was astounding.  He would say “Mom, I think I scratched my nose with my middle finger, I’m so sorry”.  I would explain, that since it wasn’t on purpose, it was okay.  He would tell me he whispered the word, thought it in his head or said a word that rhymed with a swear word almost daily…it was really consuming him.  One day, he and I were driving in the car and he was really anxious again about these words and thinking them in his head…so, I suggested that we count to 3 and then just say it out loud together.  His eyes lit up but he wouldn’t do it.  After he really trusted that it was just between us, no punishment would occur and he would actually feel better- we counted to 3 and said “Sh*t”.  All of a sudden those worries went away when he knew that he could come to me and have a moment to just get that word out.  We still sometimes sneak away from Jayden to have a “swearing moment”. 

Did my “hard limit” become a soft one?  Have I now allowed him to swear without consequences?  Or have I helped to ease some anxiety while still maintaining boundries for swearing?

I still struggle with some of these parenting issues that make me question what I believe and test my own rules.

Am I the only mom tested with boundries and limits?  Do you find yourself holding fast to the rules you have always had, or adjusting them as your kids grow and as you learn more about being a parent?