This week has been hard.
My disbelief is now turning to reality…it is starting to hit me that FOREVER is a really long time to never see my beautiful baby again. I still have a hard time getting the images of his last days out of my head, but I’m trying.
I’m trying to enjoy the moments with Ty and Jayden, but in every fun moment of hockey, pokemon or time at the park, are memories and sadness. Sadness because Zack is not giggling as we hit the ball, sadness because our house is emptier than before and sadness that if Zack were here, I never would have been able to spend this kind of uninterupted quality time with my other two amazing boys.
During my morning ritual of visiting Zack’s grave, I have started to take my tea, roll down the window and read “My Gift of Light” by a bereaved mother about her spiritually journey towards a psychic connection with her daughter. It is OUR time to connect, be quiet, turn off my blackberry and radio and just BE together. It is always during this visit that I talk to Zack, sing and ask him to show me he is with me that day. I am starting to feel a shiver when I sit and read…could that be the arms that I miss so much?
On Wednesday night, I had a breakdown in Zack’s room getting Jayden in his pjs. All the Elmos and memories surrounded me as I sat on the floor. Jayden realized I was sad and crying. He went to the bathroom for a kleenex and returned to wipe my tears. I started to cry even more realizing how precious he was to take care of me. We talked about why I was sad and I held him in my arms and it felt so sweet. We took a few deep breaths and then finished getting ready for bed. He asked me about the Sesame Street and Elmo stickers that I had bought for the walls. For Christmas, we had given Zack a bunch of Elmo and Sesame Street room decor things to do his room up in his favourite character. We had not gotten a chance to paint the room, so the stickers that kept me up several nights on eBay, were still in the closet. Before Christmas, I had spent hours online, finding just the right Sesame Street and Elmo stickers and I had ordered the bedding and anything I could find to make Zack’s room just perfect. In fact, I had even ordered a white personalized pillowcase with Elmo on it that said “Zack”. When it arrived, it was white satin and totally tacky for his cute room. Last month, when it came time for us to find the clothes for Zack to wear in his casket, we choose his Rock n’ Roll pajamas and this white satin Elmo pillowcase to lay under his head. It had a purpose after all.
Jayden and I went to the closet to get all the Elmo stickers I had bought. We ripped open the packages and took turns putting them on the walls and closet doors. We had so much fun deciding where Oscar and Big Bird would go and finding just the perfect spots for Elmo. We stood back after we had finished and realized that Zack would have totally loved this room. I felt so fantastic that the stickers had been used for the purpose in which they were intended. When Zack’s Elmo Dream room is ready, we will move the stickers to their permanent spot…but for now, they remind us that this room is still for our Zackie.
JackiYo
April 8, 2011 at 5:18 pm (14 years ago)Biggest hugs, Heather. I love how you’re helping your boys get through this time. And how they are helping you.
angela auclair
April 8, 2011 at 5:23 pm (14 years ago)What a beautiful, honest post. I think of you and your boys often, even though I do not know you. What a gift you have been given and are sharing. Thank you.
Karma & Adam
April 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm (14 years ago)Thinking of you. I had a good friend who lost her second child. Her therapist told her to never expect the grief to go away. Rather, think of it at as circle in the centre of a larger circle, which is made up of all the other parts of life (family, friends, faith, work etc.) Initially, the circle of grief will be large and take over all the other parts, but over time the other circle, filled with the rest of life, will expand. The grief will never go away, it will always be at the centre, but everything else will grow. I know she found that incredibly helpful so I thought I’d pass it along (not sure if I’ve done it justice, though).
BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities
April 8, 2011 at 6:31 pm (14 years ago)Heather — I send you wishes of peace and comfort and lovingkindness. This morning when I was driving to work I turned around the sharp corner where Broadview turns into O’Connor, and the sun practically blinded me. And I immedidately thought: “It’s Zack and my Dad.”
Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love to you xo
Supermom
April 10, 2011 at 12:13 am (14 years ago)Again another blog of yours that leaves me with tears.
I’m glad that you are finding small things that give you comfort (((HUGS)))
MamaMOE
April 10, 2011 at 2:08 am (14 years ago)I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for you as a mother, for your family, for everything. This loss is the hardest of all losses and I hope you can find more times like these to find your son with you in your simple moments. God bless, Mama MOE