Three years of un-birthdays

Last year, I found the words to share how I was thinking about another year going by without Zack turning another year older.  

This year, the words escape me.  Like, it’s the first year all over again.  

Maybe it’s because it’s now been 3 birthdays since Zack’s last one.  Maybe it’s because I see how big Jayden is getting and I long for those days when I had two beautiful twin babies to celebrate this day.

Lately, I find myself remembering being pregnant in those last weeks.  I was huge and uncomfortable and taking extra time off work.  I had finally made it to full term, gestational diabetes and all, and we were about to meet our boys. I was terrified to have twins to care for, but so excited for the fun that was to come; matching clothes, boys who have a “twin connection”, cute twin photos, and my new double stroller, of course.  

I remember the moments leading up to the delivery room- Zack was moving around so much- as if he was trying to crawl up and out my mouth!  I remember the calm before the storm- I was feeling great and excited.  Then the world changed and our boys were born. Zack screaming and Jayden calm and quiet.

This year, Jayden has been talking about Zack more than ever.  When we asked him how he would like to remember Zack on their birthday, he told us that he wanted to draw a picture and bring it to his party- to tell his friends about his twin and to share their day together.  We will also write messages on balloons and send them to heaven, as we do on March 10th.  Our one-way communication to our son.  

Jayden was an amazing brother to Zack- he looked out for him, helped him, protected him, since birth and even at 3 years old.  I wish I could see how this relationship would have brought great joy to them both, as they grew up.

Our sweet Jayden even took some time to think about what could have been- 
‘I think we would have slept in the same bed and I would have woken up and said “it’s our birthday, Zackie” and given him a huge hug!’

Mostly, I’m just sad- sad that I can’t see my son grow up.  Sad that his twin will be without him for the rest of his life and sad that this day of celebrating is mixed with enormous loss and sadness.  

Here are some photos of our boys together- from the beginning until the end.  Our twins…they will always have a special bond on their birthday each year and everyday.