I know that you are only three and this is so hard for you to understand, but Daddy and I want you to know that we are so proud of how you are handling losing your little twin brother. I want to write you this letter to remind you of what a wonderful brother you are.
When I first knew the two of you were in my belly, I was scared but so excited to meet you! I felt so great and felt you both fighting for room in there! When you were born, it began a scary time for our family, but we also were so blessed to have you…our healthy boy bringing us joy in our house while Zack was so sick in the hospital. In the beginning when you were babies, you had the best demeanor. When I would take you to the hospital each day to be with Zack, you would sleep in his crib beside him and he would just watch you. Sometimes he looked at you as if to say…”move over, your taking up too much of my space!” Other times, you reached out to touch him and I knew you were caring for your sick brother. The nurse grew to love you too, as they weren’t used to too many healthy babies at SickKids. They loved to push you in the stroller or hold you. They always remarked on how amazing you were…and you were. At the hospital and at home, you ate well, slept well and made such a horrible situation so much better! You even ate formula from day one, so that I could save my milk for your brother and help him the only way I could. I know that all of these ways helped not only mommy and daddy, they were also the first of many times you were helped Zack. Thank you for this. 
When Zack came home finally, after 6 weeks, it was really hard to share him with Ty, mommy and daddy. He slept in our room so we could watch him closely, while you had to be in your own room. He cried and we ran to him, while you were left to cry for a few minutes. When the ambulance came to help Zack the first time he had a seizure at home, you were screaming on the bed upstairs, while they fought to keep him breathing.
We had lots of fun when the three of us were together. I took you to lots of malls to show off my twin boys. I LOVED to have you in the same outfits. I knew you were so different, but when you wore matching shirts, you were clearly twins. So many times, someone would comment on your beautiful birthmark (“angel kiss”) on your forehead. It would make me so mad that they would mention this, but I came to realize that perhaps you had a visible “difference” to take away from the differences that your brother had. You took the attention away from him in a way that sheltered him from any comments or looks. Thank you for trying to protect your little brother. We
went to the Early Years drop in centres, to read and play with other kids. We also took two music classes at the community centres and I think that is why both of you loved music sooo much! When the weather was nice, we went to the park and I would put you side by side in the swings. We would fill up the pool in the backyard and you and Zackie would play for most of the afternoon until Ty got home from school. You both loved to splash each other and play with the millions of toys surrounding you. Thank you for being so much fun. On the hardest days, I would look to you to make me laugh. You would be so silly and just be YOU and Zack and I would smile and laugh and our bad days would always get better.
We know that it didn’t get much easier as Zack got older. In fact, it probably got harder. You were taken to therapy appointment after therapy appointment and asked to be patient while I worked with someone helping Zack. We all thank you so much for being a great brother at those appointments. Most of our therapists asked you to help get Zack to do one of his exercises. Sometimes we were cheering, laughing and so excited for Zack to do one more thing…and you probably felt left out. But please know that as soon as that excitement passed, we would ask you to show us YOUR new trick and show you the same enthusiasm. Because Zack loved and admired you so much, he would often copy your moves. I loved the day when Zack was walking along the parallel bars and you were cheering him on at the end! He practically ran to you and gave you a huge hug. He knew how proud you were of him and you helped him achieve his hardest goals. Remember when I pushed Zack and you rode the tricycle beside each other? That is one of the best memories I have. We took so many photos, because my two amazing boys were “equal” riding side by side and loving it. Thank you for motivating your brother and for being his biggest fan. 
There came a point when you were ready for a big boy bed and Zack was not. We had to make the choice to move you into the room with Ty, so that you could experience a big boy bed and also so that Zack would not wake you up in the night. Our nights became tough and I was glad to allow Zack to have his own room so that we could comfort him at all hours. At the same time, it was hard for you not to really have your own “space”. As we modified Ty’s room and bathroom with YOUR favourites (Toy Story), I hope that you know that we tried to make this special for you too. I really love to see you and Ty sharing a room and growing together as brothers. We hope that one day, we can make you a fabulous hockey room just as you deserve.
Some of our best moments were seeing the bond between you amazing twin boys. Without words between you, there was great love. When Zack wanted to walk, you would grab
his two hands. When he wanted to eat, you were the only one he would let feed him with a spoon. When he got pudding all over his face, it was YOU who got the cloth to wipe his mouth. You had even learned to help mommy with Zack’s gtube feeds and you really loved to be my helper so that you could care for Zack too. On your second day of Preschool, you shared your birthday treats with Zack and all of your new friends. Wearing very silly hats, you let Zack share in the moment of being in school and having that celebration. Those tender moments will be in our hearts forever. I promise, that if you don’t remember those times, I will be happy to share those stories with you. Thank you for taking great care of your brother.
his two hands. When he wanted to eat, you were the only one he would let feed him with a spoon. When he got pudding all over his face, it was YOU who got the cloth to wipe his mouth. You had even learned to help mommy with Zack’s gtube feeds and you really loved to be my helper so that you could care for Zack too. On your second day of Preschool, you shared your birthday treats with Zack and all of your new friends. Wearing very silly hats, you let Zack share in the moment of being in school and having that celebration. Those tender moments will be in our hearts forever. I promise, that if you don’t remember those times, I will be happy to share those stories with you. Thank you for taking great care of your brother. 
Our family is well known for major snuggle parties, so when we woke up most mornings, you would be the one who wanted to go wake Zack to start our day! Usually, you would barge in and announce it was morning and other times you would sneak in and climb into the crib to cuddle. Zack’s face would lit up the minute he saw you. He knew that you can come to see him and he loved feeling special to you. Thank you for waking Zack up and letting your silly face be the first thing he saw to start his day. The last month has been so difficult for our entire family and we are so proud of how you are handling all these tough moments. When we first told you that Zack had died, you were mad and that was what we expected. It was good to get mad with you, scream and get our feelings out! You were so brave to share in the celebration of Zack’s life, drawing on his casket and add Elmo stickers with your friends. We made sure that we put your amazing drawing in with Zack, so that he has something you made with him in Heaven. You seem to know more than we do about where Zack is…in fact, you tell us often that God has given Zack tons of toys to play with and that he is not sick anymore. Thank you for telling us that. You continue to ask us great questions and talk a lot about your brother and how much you miss him. When friends ask you at school, “where is Zack?”, you are so clear and confident when you say that “he is with God and he is not sick anymore”. I know that when you ask questions like “is Zackie playing with toys in Heaven?” and “can Zack come out of the box?” you are concerned for his well being and you are looking out for Zack as you always did. We have loved how you come to us to share your dream about when you wiped Zack’s tears or carried him. I know you are dreaming about how much you helped to take care of your “little brother”. Even though there were only 4 minutes between you, you always considered him your “baby”. You freely talk about Zackie and about how you love him. You love to lay on my bare belly as if you feel closer to Zack by being close to where you both lived for 9 months. At each visit to his grave, you say a prayer that always starts “Dear Zackie, I love you very much…”. Thank you for blowing bubbles, eating Froot Loops and pinching my nose like Zack used to do, as we sing the Elmo song. I love sharing that moment with you.
My sweet Jayden
I know that saying thank you doesn’t make sense right now.
I know that this is so unfair.
I know that you miss your brother.
I know that Zack loved you so much and you loved him.
I know that Zack will always be a part of you…he will live on in your heart.
I know that we will always love and protect you so that you stay healthy.
I know that some of these memories might fade with time…you are so young.
I know that when you forget any of these moments….I will be your memory…always.
Mommy
Laura
April 5, 2011 at 4:14 pm (14 years ago)This is absolutely beautiful. I have tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful love your twin boys share. My thoughts are still with you as you grieve and honor Zack’s life.
Smita
April 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm (14 years ago)What a lovely letter…Jayden will surely treasure this one day to know how much he meant to his twin brother. The twin bond is beyond words but is truly a wonderful thing and Jayden has shown that he is and will forever be connected to Zackie. You are a wonderful mom and I admire you so much! xox
Alexandria
April 5, 2011 at 5:05 pm (14 years ago)Heather, you amaze me every day. This is such a wonderful letter.
Sarah Flowers
April 5, 2011 at 6:19 pm (14 years ago)That is extremely sad. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope your son is doing ok.
Natalie @YMCbuzz
April 5, 2011 at 6:58 pm (14 years ago)Tears. Hugs. xo
Passions and Musings
April 5, 2011 at 7:22 pm (14 years ago)So beautifully written. I have tears steaming down my face. Thank you for sharing.
TJZMommy
April 5, 2011 at 7:23 pm (14 years ago)Thank you everyone…sorry for the tears. I want Jayden to know how he really made our lives easier and better. While he sometimes fought for attention, he never had to fight for our love.
I want him to know how wonderful their 3 years were together.
Jennifer Gilbert
April 5, 2011 at 8:05 pm (14 years ago)Jayden will have very special memories of Zack, and this letter will help him know how much he is loved by everyone, especially Zack.
HUGS xoxo
Dana Florence
April 5, 2011 at 8:37 pm (14 years ago)Wow Heather, once again your family amazes me. This letter will be cherished by Jayden for the rest of his life. Lots of love from the Florence Family xo
Kath
April 5, 2011 at 9:29 pm (14 years ago)Such a beautiful letter Heather – Jayden is a wonderful little boy and he was such an amazing big brother to Zackie. He adored him, looked out for him and was so proud of all of his accomplishments. Jayden is a confident, funny, smart and talented hockey player 🙂 All of this comes from feeling loved and encouraged by you guys!! XO
Soulla
April 5, 2011 at 9:38 pm (14 years ago)So so sweet and something I’m sure he’ll cherish as he gets older.
Bill
April 6, 2011 at 12:21 am (14 years ago)This letter is the the equivalent to an infinity of hugs and love. You need to know that writing this letter shows what a beautiful person and mom you are and as you go thru these very difficult days, know that you are among waves of strength and courage.
With much love,
Alyson Silva
Karyn Climans
April 6, 2011 at 12:38 am (14 years ago)Thinking of you and your family and hoping the wonderful memories you have of Zack will ease your pain.
Joan
April 6, 2011 at 2:02 am (14 years ago)Heather- you are a wonderful writer.Jayden will really appreciate this letter later in life.
Tanya
April 6, 2011 at 2:44 am (14 years ago)I write this comment with tears pouring down my face, having twins myself I know how special the bond is, something so special that Jayden will never forget, he will always have Zack with him, they will be twins forever! You are truly the most amazing and strongest person I have ever met. That is why your boys are as special as they are, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. The way you are honouring Zack is a testament to the incredible mom you are to all 3 of your little angels.
Frank
April 6, 2011 at 3:21 am (14 years ago)Beautiful and touching. Your strength is astonishing. Your experience is teaching me how important each moment truly is. You are teaching me that there is always more love to share. I am sad for you and Paul for losing a child and I am sad for Jayden and Ty for losing their brother. Fortunately the love that clearly fills your home is overflowing and the leadership that you provide the boys will be the positive guiding light in their life. Love to your family.
Anonymous
April 6, 2011 at 5:18 am (14 years ago)Heather you never cease to amaze me! This a beautiful gift you have given to Jayden and I know he will always be grateful that he had such a fantasic mom!
BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities
April 6, 2011 at 4:10 pm (14 years ago)Thank you for sharing these beautiful insights into the sibling relationship. Too often we don’t get to hear about the joys and challenges.
I was at a movie on the weekend and a lady walked by wearing a brilliant knitted Elmo hat with ear flaps: “Zack!” I thought. 🙂
Holland Bloorview is holding a panel May 3 where brothers and sisters will talk about their experience with a sibling with disability. I’m going to pass a link to this piece to June, who is organizing the event.
xo
JackiYo
April 7, 2011 at 1:34 am (14 years ago)So incredibly beautiful. Tugs at the heartstrings. *sniffle*