Would you have told his mom?

I had to make a judgement call today. It was one of those moments as a parent, when you have to decide whether what is right is more important than the bond of secrecy between you and your child.

Today I told another mom about the sexual innuendo and language that her 11 year old son was texting Ty (and others) and posting on Instagram. It went a little something like this….

I’ve recreated this conversation to be similar to the original and protect the names involved.

When I talked to Ty about it, he already knew what I had seen. He was embarrassed that his friend was talking like that (he really was) and wasn’t sure how to handle it. I was willing to be the bad guy and suggested that he tell this buddy that I had seen it and had asked him to stop or I would have to discuss this with his mom.
 
Today, we arrived at a birthday party for another buddy of Ty’s and I knew this kid would be there. The poor guy didn’t even look me in the eye and looked very nervous, as I introduced myself to his mom. I have no doubt at all that he is a great kid and a terrific friend to Ty, but maybe he just needs a reminder of what language is acceptable and the implications of his behavious online. 

While I knew that telling this mom about her son’s language online could have gone either way, I was willing to risk it because I would want to know if the roles were reversed. I would want the chance to talk to my kids about what’s appropriate and how to conduct themselves with others and online. Thankfully, this particular mom and I had a fabulous discussion about the struggles that kids and parents are up against with today’s influences; video games, tv shows and don’t even get me started on the lyrics on the hottest songs- sex is everywhere (which is why I’m thrilled that the new sex ed curriculum will be addressing some of these topics, earlier). This mom wasn’t involved in what he was doing online, but she had an older daughter who watched out for her brother and she had very strict rules. She confessed that lately, she had been getting suspicious that these rules were being broken. She was really glad that I had shared the information about what I read and was planning to talk to him next week. We exchanged phone numbers to keep in touch and even planned to have a date with both of our boys together. I was so relieved that I had talked to her and that it had gone so well.

I’m blessed to have a wonderful and trusting relationship with both of our boys who are discovering the new online world with their friends. And as much as I trust them, we also have a policy in our house that Paul and I have ultimate control over their devices and can check any and all social media (they’re on Instagram) or texts at any given time. While we’ve made our rules for Instagram really clear, they are kids, they make mistakes (sneaking behind the scenes and posting direct messages to each other on IG) and they’re still learning about online etiquette. It’s MY job to help him navigate this world, so we do spot checks all the time. Sometimes we find nothing and sometimes we find something concerning that needs a discussion. Sometimes Ty just needs a bit of guidance on how to interpret a post or even how to reply, and I love that he comes to me for advice. This means that unlike tons of parents, I know EVERYONE they are interacting with and EVERYTHING that’s been posted. Since having had to explain so many new words to our son over the years, like what “rape” meant, I want to make sure that Ty has the right answers from me, if he has any questions at all. 

I’ve yet to hear if this boy has spoken to Ty about what his mom knows and I’m hopeful that it won’t impact their friendship. So for now, I’m feeling glad that my new friend and I had this important discussion and that maybe, with a little help from our parent friends, we can be more aware and figure out how to teach this stuff to our kids.

So, what do you think? Did I do the right thing? Would you tell or keep it to yourself? Would you want to know if it was your child? 

What would you do?